NOW I’ve seen it all

So you’re sitting at home. Feeling a little pent-up. You browse through your collection of vibrators, dildos, plugs, ben-wa balls, creams and unguents and lubes (oh my!) and you just can’t decide. Truth is, you’re bored. You’ve tried them all, played with them all, wakened your neighbours screaming with them all. And it’s just getting routine. Predictable. You know every pulse of your vibrators, every ridge of your dildoes. You even find yourself humming in B flat major on the way to work, which is coincidentally the same key at which your favourite little silver bullet is tuned.
You’ve slipped into a routine. It’s like the kiss of death for the happy masturbator.There’s no point in buying a new toy. You’ve seen them all. Nothing intrigues you any more. They are all just variations on a theme, like country tunes that re-use the same three or four chords through song after song after song. Of course, this proliferation is silicone and rubber, but you get my drift.
Who you gonna call?
Zetacreations, apparently. They’re a company that makes sex toys that are just a little different.
Okay, let’s be honest here. They’re pretty twisted. In some cases, literally.
They market what they affectionately call Animal Dildos. No little cutesy bunny vibrators here. They’re the real deal. Molded and designed to look like the penises (penii? peanuckle?) of real animals. Like lions. And tigers. And bears. Oh my.Not to mention hyena weenies, kangaroo cocks and whale whoppers, I kid you not.
I can’t figure out whether I’m disgusted by the idea or amused by its in-your-face-ness or impressed by their ingenuity. But they’re worth a look simply for curiousity’s sake.
And if you buy the whale one, be sure to write in and let me know. I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to be fucked by a whale. 🙂

on marriage and motherhood

Wow. Serious topics today. Far too serious for a sunny Sunday morning, but that’s the way it goes sometimes, hm?
First, on being a wife. I’ve been doing some thinking about this lately, since two of my girlfriends are getting married in the next year or so (and not to each other, in case you wondered). They are better prepared for the event than I was, or at least they seem to be. They’re both older than I was, and that’s a very positive factor. I’ve noticed over the years that women tend to come into their own closer to the end of their twenties or the beginning of their thirties. They begin to develop a sense of self. They know better what they want from life. They become established, much in the same way we’ve always thought of men becoming “established” – financially, and in their careers, which I think is very useful before settling down.I’ve wondered what I would say, if asked, about how to avoid falling into the trap that ends in divorce. I haven’t been asked. I don’t think I will; young women heading down the road to marriage are in some ways like teenage boys driving fast cars. They feel invincible. They believe in the shatter-proof strength of their bond with their lovers. They don’t like to think about divorce. It’s not going to happen to them. The people they know who have been divorced – well, they just didn’t make the right choices. Probably should have never married in the first place. That’s not going to happen to them. But I think about what my response would be anyway. And I think my advice would be this: pay attention. Be ever mindful of the fragility of relationships. Nurture, water and feed every day. And most importantly, dig out those weeds regularly. Otherwise they’ll grow and take over the whole garden.
With these themes in mind, I share two excellent articles. One is recent, the other I’ve had bookmarked for ages. My So-Called Marriage weighs in on being a wife, what traps lay dormant but just waiting for an opportunity from the day you don the title “wife”. The other, slightly less upbeat story, Diary of a Divorce, is a haunting journal of one woman going through separation and eventually divorce. To say I identify with both of these stories would be an understatement. If only I’d known when I was younger and just getting married that these feelings and traps are ones that many divorced women could identify with.The only other piece of advice I’d give to a woman getting married today is to read a book about divorce. Sounds crazy. But it’s the closest thing you’ll ever get to a manual on what-to-look-out-for. When you’re young and never-married, you don’t know where the traps are. It’s easy to assume that you’ll never have those problems based solely on the strength of your love and the quality of your friendship with your partner.I wish my friends the best in their new endeavours.
Moving on, let’s talk about babies. Or maybe, let’s not. I’ve been ambivalent on the topic for a long time. Part of me wants very much to meet a special man and settle down again and make a baby. To share my life with a little person as well as a big one, through colds and fights and playing and trips to Disneyworld. The other part of me thinks I’m just not selfless enough to be able to do it. I like my life. I like having free time. I like reading books and going for walks and staying out late if that’s what I feel like doing. Grabbing a drink with a friend after work or sleeping in late on a Saturday. I am all too aware of the level of responsibility needed to have children. I don’t know if I’m up for signing a lifelong contract. Many people aren’t comfortable with hearing from that part of me. Baby Makes . . . ? takes a good stab at describing not only the ambivalence, but also the reactions of others to that ambivalence.
Marriage and divorce and babies, oh my.
Too deep for a Sunday morning. Time to grab a book and sit on the balcony. Ta-ta.

cozies, Surgeon Generals, and abstinence

Lots and lots to talk about today (making up for the past, silent week).
First, a bit of frippery that I found hilarious: vibrator cozies. Don’t hide ’em in the drawer, girls!
Heading into more serious topics, the US Surgeon General just released his report on sexual health and behavior. It contains good things; encouraging schools to promote not just abstinence (as so many schools in the US are beginning to favour) but a combination of good sex education and birth control as well as abstinence. He states that there is no scientific evidence that would point to teenagers having sex earlier when armed with the facts of sex and birth control. He also stresses that the US needs to develop more tolerance towards sexual diversity, and that sexual orientation, once discovered in the teenage years, is very likely not alterable.
As expected, the current conservative US administration (whom you all know I love and respect so very much) is having fun with this. The Surgeon General’s ticket runs out in a few months and it’s very unlikely he’ll be asked back for another term.
I often wonder why these conservative groups embrace abstinence so closely. Are they trying to bring back another Victorian age, with people being proper and prudish and buttoned up? Those of you who have read any kind of Victorian erotica knows that during this most stringent of sexual times (publicly), private sexuality burgeoned even more. The more you try to control something like sex, and force abstinence on a group of people, the more likely they are to run out and do it even more. Only they’ll hide it. And such a furtive quality often means taking unneccessary risks. Like forgoing birth control. I’ll bet that if Mssr. Bush had his way, birth control would be abolished. It’s not like you need it anyway, right? Sex is only for procreation within a marriage; hence, birth control is not needed. Everyone else should just not have sex.
Bah. Big penis-spank on the head to them all, I say.
Switching topics, I ran across a charming article (via mouthorgan) titled Who Says Your Marriage Has To Include Sex? It talks about a group called The Sexless Marriage Network – a dating service of sorts for people who don’t want to have sex again. Ever. They don’t believe sex is necessary in marriage; on the contrary, they believe that:

    eliminating sex eliminates jealousy and mistrustsex presents them with layer upon layer of distracting and unpleasant, unproductive activity and thoughtmarrying solely for the companionship, the affection, the spouse to bring to the Christmas party, is nothing to be ashamed of

Hmm. Let’s take these points one by one, shall we?
point 1: Jealousy and mistrust have little to do with sex. They have to do with ownership. That’s an ugly word, and most of us hate it, but let’s be honest here. When you’re jealous that a partner is spending too much time with another person (and that person doesn’t have to be a potential sexual threat; jealousy can happen when your partner spends too much time with their friends, as well) have you ever asked yourself why you’re jealous? The answer, when it all boils down, is this: “Because he/she is mine.” Ownership is not about sex. Hence, jealousy could still be rampant in a marriage that has no sex and no expectation of sex. If anything, you’d just find new things to get all nervous and mistrust-y about.
point 2: Sex is most definitely distracting. But is that distraction negative? It’s part of your physical makeup. It’s as natural as every other bodily function. Sexual desire is just as much a part of every person as the need for sleep. Sleep is pretty distracting, too, when you think about it. Ever felt sleepy during a business meeting, the drive home, or when reading a book? Sure you have. Sleep takes up at least a third of most people’s lives. Think about how much more we could accomplish if we got rid of sleep. But if you tried it, you’d soon find your body would rebel and force you to take a nap. Denying your body’s natural instincts on purpose, and for an extended length of time, is a bad thing. Why do you think people, even little babies, masturbate?
point 3: I agree that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I do think that by choosing only companionship, they are cheating themselves out of so much more.
Look, I’ve been in a sexless marriage. And it’s true; I was very productive, channeling my desires and energy into going to school and building a huge web site and getting a great job in a new city. But I also wasn’t very happy. And there were many, many nights that I snuggled with my husband on the couch and felt empty, and I didn’t even know why. When I woke up to my own sexual energy, I realized how sad I’d been, how warped my attitudes and self-esteem had become.Abstinence-only and sexless marriages. Gosh, I hope we as a society can pull it together eventually.