relationshippy

I’m good at a great many things. I’m not going to list them here like a braggart’s list, but I know them. This is enough.
Have you ever found yourself wondering if you’re any good at relationships? It’s a question I’ve found I’m asking myself more and more often as time goes by. There seem to be so many questions, and so few answers, love and sex and more all wrapped up with ambivalence and heavy thinking and an inability to relax and just go with it, for goodness sake.
Salon carries an article this week that seems to hit the nail on the head. It’s a confusing little piece, a mystery wrapped in an enigma as a friend of mine might say, but I can relate. Oh, how I can relate.Sex is so easy to understand. It’s messy and hot, with dynamics and undercurrents but in the end it’s just about lips, mouths, body parts rubbing and mingling, laughter and tears and and intensity. And this type of intensity I understand.Relationships are an entirely different animal. They’re still about two people rubbing and mingling, laughter and tears and intensity, but the parts that are interacting are bigger and more confusing and less clearly delineated, at least for me. They make me go up inside my head and think, because I don’t always react the way I think I should be reacting, or feel the way I think I should be feeling. While I know that every relationship is different, the differences haunt me and snap against my brain and make me question things.
I don’t think I’m very good at relationships. I just don’t know how to do them, not anymore, and I know that makes me damaged. I have thrown away more good men this year than I ever thought possible, because I don’t know how else to do it.
A friend of mine made a joke recently that if I’m not careful I may end up a 45-year old sex-site owner with six Pug dogs and become the lady that all my friends’ kids will want to visit. I laughed at the time, and threw a wadded up paper ball in her direction.
If she’s right, let’s at least make it a 45-year old millionaire sex-site owner with two Pug dogs (thankyouverymuch) and a spectacular, if somewhat relationship-less, sex life. 🙂