thinking sex positive for one goddamned minute

The life of a sexuality blogger can be a dismal one at times, and today is just one of those times.
Go to Google News, do a search on “sex” to see what’s new in the news of sex, and here are the top ten headlines:
Prosecutor to Lay Sex Charges on Pitcairn Island
Sex traffickers using SF, LA as ports of entry
Fighting the sex traffickers
Female teacher in New Jersey accused of having sex with seventh-grade student
Play straight, practise safe sex
Former Jailer Charged in Sex Case
Informant Says Roane Co. Officer Traded Sex for No Arrest
TBI investigating deputy who allegedly had sex with confidential …
Trial Begins for Daycare Sex Abuse Man
PA Man Faces Sex Charges
I can’t bear to list any more but trust me when I say you must travel a long way through the list to find anything remotely uplifting or sweet or hot or sweaty in the list, and most definitely you will not find anything naughtier still but full of positive yummy sexy goodness like tropical fruit sex or dressed-like-a-nun sex or, to paraphrase one of my favourite journalists, slippery anal bead sex. More’s the pity.
No wonder that the world’s sexuality feels on the whole like something that has been beaten up and rubbed raw and not in the good way, thank you very much. All we do is prosecute people for doing it, persecute people for thinking about it, and chastise people for talking about it. For shame.
Yes, there are bad people doing bad things in the world, there always have been, there always will be. Not condoning for a moment. But. Even so. This is all the news there is about sex?
It seems to me that the whole world needs to take a deep breath and grab a friend and lay out the clear plastic tablecloths and lube up and slide around and play fun games with pineapple rings and firm juicy grapes for just a little while, and forget about the wouldn’ts and the shouldn’ts and the mustn’ts and the can’ts. And for goodness sake let’s not waste all that effort should it actually occur, let’s write about it and celebrate it and teach that to our children instead of the fearmongering and the whispering and the hinting that just anything about pleasure is bad. And not in a good way.
We would be so much happier. Less pinched. More lubricious.
And that’s just never a bad thing.

buzz on

OK, dirty confession of the month: it’s been simply ages since Vikki clicked her little self over to I confess. Do with me what you may.

The good news is that in my absence (and what else would you expect from such a top-drawer site like this one?) they’ve added lots of yummy enjoyable goodies that I can then pass on and share with all of you.

A very handy new tool is the Vibrator Intensity Chart.

How wonderful. And how, erm, stimulating to realize that the Remote Panty gives the same level of intensity as my good old favourite, the Silver Bullet. Although, one feels compelled to add, not quite as intense as the Pulse-Right (I know it personally under the name Space Explorer vibe.)

Vikki’s confession #2: although obviously the idea turns me on like crazy, I’ve never found the right combination of cash in my pocket and naughty lover in my life to actually try the remote panty. But oh, how I would love to try it – particularly now, with this new information! 🙂

I am also dying to know how this works, and believe me when I say the idea sparks dozens of new and exciting possibilities in my brain. There may be a story here. Stay tuned.

I find myself also intrigued by the idea of clit pumps. Is it possible that even the silver bullet theory could play second fiddle? I may just have to try this out soon.

When in doubt, buzz on. 🙂

erotic photography

My photographic sense has evolved a lot in the last few years, thanks to the plethora of photographers I have in my life, each in their own way determined to help me better understand the art and the science behind what it is they do.
And of course, given Vikki’s erotic sensibilities, it was only natural I’d eventually look for photographers whose styles complement my tastes.

Along these lines, I’ve recently added this new book to my Amazon Wish List – it looks absolutely yummy and has six photos from one of my favourite erotic & fetish photographers, Dave Naz. His stuff is very glossy, very production, almost retro in its sensibilities. Nice.
I’ve run across a couple more photographers online whose work I also find absolutely stunning:
Mark Blackie – These photos are so… intimate, not the typical nudes or fetish photos you find in most places. You feel as though you’re being let inside a very private world with these women. Wonderful. mark was also kind enough to let me use one of his photographs in the new site design. Thanks again, Mark.
Kevin Hundsnurscher – Very cute sense of humour and irony in these photos, and his stuff just keeps getting better and better. I’ve been visiting his site for a couple of years.
If only I had the skill to do something like this myself. How I would love to express myself this way!

a woman is not a Nintendo game

Of all the descriptors I’ve heard recently, this is one of the best. Sasha says in her Love Bites column:

You have no doubt already met boys who get very nervous and upset if you don’t come. You just tell them you’re not a Nintendo game. Remember: it’s your body, and it’s your orgasm, and you’ll get to it in your own time.

More boys could benefit from this, which is why I thought I’d share.

I feel bad for men, really I do. Women’s bodies and sexual functions are such mysteries, by comparison. What works one time will not neccessarily work the next. What turns her on today may bore her or gross her out tomorrow. We have these bodies where all sexual things are hidden and soft and secret, where the rules are written by these invisible things called hormones, where orgasms are these elusive things that everyone knows we should have but sometimes we can’t even give ourselves one.

Men can’t help but have trouble understanding this. When was the last time a man you know had trouble giving himself an orgasm (when he wasn’t several sheets to the wind)?

No wonder there is rampant confusion.

I remember a time when a former lover told me that I was masturbating too often (every day, every other day, something like that) and that I would “use up” my orgasms, leaving me with nothing to share with others. As though I had a daily quota that, once filled, would render me useless to the opposite sex. 🙂

So, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, I offer this corollary to Sasha’s statement:

Think of making love with a woman as a Choose Your Own Adventure Book. At different points along the way, you have choices to make, and part of the fun is knowing that the story will never end the same way twice. Sometimes you’ll find riches, and sometimes you won’t. The fun is the adventure between the covers. Not the ending.

clitoral orgasms

First let me say I love Shere Hite. She’s always got great things to say, and is well known enough to get a better podium than most to say it.
And I quote:

[T]he stimulation women give themselves to reach orgasm is – unlike that used by men – radically different from the stimulation most women receive during coitus. So it is not at all surprising that the rate of orgasm during coitus is low.
It has been accepted for at least two centuries that women can masturbate “clitorally” to orgasm. Yet even today the definition of what we call sex is focused on coitus as the time when both people should reach orgasm via the same type of stimulation. Even in supposedly sophisticated pornographic material, clitoral stimulation is used only as a warm-up and is never depicted all the way to orgasm. It is this limited definition of sex that is at fault, not women’s bodies: sex should be composed not only of coitus but also of clitoral stimulation, by hand or mouth.

As always, it is a problem with a solution that is relatively simple in concept and overwhelmingly difficult in practice: education.
And honestly, I think the best way to communicate this to adults is via porn – books, movies, magazines. Think about it. People choose to see it, read it already. Just change how the sex goes down in these places – make sure that every time she’s screaming and tossing her head it’s from direct stimulation rather than from his 9″ slamming in to her from behind [ahem]. Enough of this, and men won’t believe that women can actually come from someone pounding away from behind without stimulation.

Drug companies that set out to “solve the problem of female orgasmic dysfunction” risk making matters worse if they neglect this and focus simply on female readiness to participate in sex. Putting money into supposed treatments that don’t work could mean financing unhappiness and divorce, leaving women’s feelings invisible or unexplained, and placing men on insecure ground. It risks fostering an atmosphere of fear and confusion in which love, including intense sexual intimacy and experimentation, needlessly becomes an area of conflict rather than pleasure.