add 2-5 inches instantly!

I had actually intended this post for ErosBlog, but since we seem to be experiencing technical difficulties with the whole guest blogging thing, I decided to go ahead and post it here.

Y’know, if I had a penny for every spam I’ve received urging me to Enlarge My Penis Now, I’d be a rich woman indeed. And if all of those products worked, I’d be surrounded by steely long thick members. Which is never a bad place to be. But it hasn’t happened yet, more’s the pity.

One guy seems determined to figure out the story behind these products once and for all and is blogging the experience for the whole world to enjoy. He quotes the instructions from the manufacturer:

Now when you get an erection your penis will be harder, firmer, stronger and bigger than ever before you should have reached gains between 1-3 inches, if you want more size then you should continue until you get the size that you want…

Anybody other than me suddenly picturing Pinnochio’s nose?

guest blogging

I, along with fellow Canadians Mike and Michelle, will be guest blogging at ErosBlog over the next several weeks while its owner, Bacchus, takes a much-needed vacation.

Personally, I think the guy is planning to hole up somewhere on a deserted beach with some nubile young thing and suck pomegranate seeds from her navel. And more power to ‘im, I say.

At any rate, since I don’t often have time to do as much intelligent sex browsing (read: not looking for porn) online as I’d like, please send along any links you find interesting in the next few weeks, to help me out.

horny

I am so horny tonight it feels like my skin has Pop Rocks (remember that candy, from when we were kids?) inside. Nothing specific spurred it on, but oh baby, it’s there now. If you were here, I’d strip you all naked and lay you out on furniture like fabric swatches I’m trying to decide between. Men and women alike. I’d sample each of you like fine truffles and amuse-bouches, sipping at a nipple here, sliding a cock inside me there, tweaking a clit with my fingertips and straddling a particularly handsome face. Once I’d circuited the room, I’d lay down in the middle and cry, “Fuck me!” and let all of you topple over me, a crazy world of hands and mouths and slipperier things.
Or maybe I should just call it an early night and take my silver bullet to bed with me.
It’s gonna be a lo-o-o-o-ng night. 🙂

advice to the online seeker

After keeping a sex-related blog for the last four years, using the services of several different online personals sites, and generally meeting men online in a variety of ways including via chatrooms and forums, I’ve come across enough of a sample to be able to know what is going to work. For me, at least. And guys, I love ya, but some of you have completely terrible online manners (I’m sure the reverse is also true, but I’ve never tried to meet another woman online, so bear with me).

Want to know what works when trying to meet that sexy libidinous goddess of your dreams online? Here are my tips:

1. Learn how to spell and compose a sentence. I’m serious. There are classes for this. Go take one. If you’re not sure you need it, ask someone you chat with regularly (a friend or coworker)if they think you need it. Ask them to be honest.

2. Come up with a better opening line than “hi how are u” or “god your ____ made me so hot baby” or best of all “fuck i’m horney[sic], are you?”.

3. Learn everything you can about her – ask her lots of questions, read her online profile thoroughly, even Google her if you think it will help. And use those things are starting points for discussion. Answer in complete sentences and ask questions.

4. Realize that (above the tits and pussy you’re hoping to get your hands on) there is a brain, and the brain is the Gatekeeper for all the delicious naughty bits. Talk to her about everything, not just sex.

5. Know that in all likelihood, you have competition (ratio is definitely still in the ladies’ favour, at least for now) – stand out from the crowd. Appeal to her mind, be funny, be clever, be honest.

6. Understand that despite how sexy she is, how frank she might be, it still doesn’t mean she’s going to jump into bed with you on your first meeting. As in the bedroom, women take a little longer to warm up to the idea. We want to know what you look like in person, hear your voice, watch your mannerisms, before we can begin to be physically attracted to you.

7. Respect her limits and timing. If she’s ready to meet you in person, she’ll say so. Every woman needs a different amount of time. I can’t emphasize this enough. Don’t push her. If you can’t respect her limits online, and back off when she’s uncomfortable, then she’ll expect the same – and worse – from you offline.

8. Don’t chat with another person while chatting with her. Even if you don’t tell her, she’ll be able to tell by the time delays, and if you can’t even focus on her online, how can she expect you to focus on her offline?

9. Be clear about what you’re looking for. There’s no shame in wanting a casual fuck buddy, but make sure you’re both on the same page as early on as possible.

10. Let her bring up the idea of sharing photos. Guaranteed, you will ask too soon. (Hint: the first ten minutes is too soon.)

11. Make sure you have two photos available (this is just good etiquette for everyone hoping to meet someone online); one closeup of your face and then one full-body photo. Do not share a naked or racy photo of yourself without asking first. And please, please, please, no photos where you’re obviously standing next to your last girlfriend, who has since been cut or Photoshopped out of the picture.

12. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If you wouldn’t say it or do it in real life, then don’t do it online.

insert standard disclaimer

penii

I have never had two men at once. Yes, I’ve fantasized about it for ages. Yes, I would probably try it if the opportunity presented itself.

OK, who am I kidding, I’d be the first one nekkid. 🙂

Nor have I ever been a Domme. Not sure I could pull it off.

All those disclaimers aside, oh how this photo (right) turned me on. I mean Big Time turned me on – think of guys looking at Jenna Jameson, and you get the idea. You can buy these restraints from eatleather.com (no longer available) and why is it that despite all my disclaimers and the fact that I don’t even have one cock in my life right now much less two I am tempted to buy one of these sets?

Hoping, wishing, maybe. Kind of like buying a lottery ticket. Because you just never know. Somebody has to win—it could be you!

true story: anal sex?

Bacchus was talking about anal first-times (bad one mentioned here) and it got me to thinking about my own sort-of first time, only time, really.

This entry could be subtitled “Why you should not have hot completely drunk monkey sex with a bad back”.

About that bad back. Most of the time it’s OK. But I’m careful. I know what I can and cannot do with it. I can do many *wiggles eyebrows* things. I cannot, say, lift a computer monitor. But all this knowledge can go out the window if I’m not careful.

I am not careful when I am drunk. And I was very drunk. It was one of the few times in my life when I actually acted like a Complete Slut (and yes, believe me, it deserves the capitals).

I was at my best friend’s housewarming party and there weren’t too many people there, so we drank all the more to make up for it–I think we started in about 3:00 in the afternoon. Those of you who know me also know that I can sock away about three or four drinks before being completely drunk; it only takes half that to make me so flirty and horny that I might just follow you home if you ask.

I hadn’t had three or four by late evening; it was more like six or seven, probably. Almost nothing for some, but I was pretty well looped.

And there was a guy. You knew there would be. I’d been looking at him out of the corner of my eye most of the day, too shy to actually go up to him and say hi, much less flirt. But oh yummy goodness. Kind of bad-boy like, looking a lot like Luke Perry from 90210. Mmm. He didn’t seem to notice me much either, my wonderfully too-short denim skirt seeming to have no effect whatsoever.

I was sitting and pleasantly spinning in a deck chair in the dark, chatting with a friend, when one of my girlfriends came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. I am noisy about this at my most sober, so you can imagine the moans coming from me at this point. Well, turns out it drove Bad Boy insane. His eyes lit with that thing that’s even darker than lust; it’s about fucking, pure and simple. I’ve only seen it a few times in a man’s eyes, but enough to recognize the signs.

What did I do? I moaned a little louder, of course, crossing my legs so my nice bare thighs rubbed against one another.

Before I knew it, he was telling the whole group what a sexy moan I had, and that he had to hear it closer, and came behind me, and took over rubbing my shoulders. I moaned louder, pressing back against him in a way that left no doubt that I was hot and ready for it.

So anyway at some point we end up in the room where I’m staying overnight. We get naked in the middle of kissing and groping. Honestly, I don’t remember much of it; I was that drunk. Should have known better, but didn’t. Rolled the condom down and then he was inside me, every position possible. At one point my ankles are wrapped behind his neck and he’s pushing into me and I’m moaning, near passing out, and his cock slips from one hole into the other and he’s moaning about how tight I am, and I’m so numb I couldn’t have felt it anyway.

I push closer.

ping

That’s when I felt my back go out.

Correct. I was so drunk I couldn’t feel anything but the pressure of his cock in my virgin ass, but believe me, I felt my back go. We disengaged and somehow I got pillows under my knees before passing out on the bed.

I woke up with the world on fire and so sick from drink I wished I was dead. I didn’t even wake him to get his number. I stumbled downstairs, called a cab. It was almost a week before my back healed.

So, yes, I’ve sort of tried anal sex, and yes, it did hurt, but not where you think. 🙂