delicious fetish gear

Wow, it’s been all about the vagina month, hm? Guess I was kind of on a kick. The good news is today, I have lovely and yummy toys to share.

Somehow I’d missed the lovely site that is Extreme Restraints until Eden pointed me to it today, and I have to say that I have completely, head over heels, fallen in love with their products. I may need to get several.

Among my favourite finds from this evening’s browse:

Julian Snelling Rosebud Anal Jewelry – How pretty is this? I think it’s just lovely.

Premium Deerskin Leather Floggers – Oh, my, these are just outstanding-looking. How I miss floggers. Damn.

Leather and Fur Paddle – Since my ass in nowhere near as hardy as Bethie’s, I think the combination of fur and sturdy leather would feel… er… interesting. Yes. That’s a lovely way to put it.

The Fantasy Rack – Um. Hmm. Yes. Interesting.

Leather Spanking Skirt – If I could ever justify spending $177 on something I’d never wear outside, I would so totally buy this. It looks so amazing I’m getting all perky just thinking about it.

Cleopatra Chrome Collar – While this wouldn’t be practical for more… bendy forms of bondage, because I suspect it could really irritate the chest, this is just a lovely piece.

Good thing I moved my Visa to the other room before visiting. It’s an addiction, I tell you, an addiction! I need help! ๐Ÿ™‚

the vaginal orgasm

The inimitable Jonathan Quince (who I really do believe should just officially change his name to that) provided some lovely comments to my 100 sexy things post, not the least of which was this question:

78. Forgive me for sounding ignorant of the workings of female anatomy; but if I might inquire, what’s wrong with the concept of vaginal orgasm? As far as I can tell, the nerve endings on the inside do work…

My response would be far too long for that tiny little comments box, so I’ve opened a whole new post for the subject. ๐Ÿ™‚

First, a definition: the term “vaginal orgasm”, as I refer to it in my last post, refers to the concept introduced by Freud in the early 20th century.

From The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt:

Freud contended that the clitoral orgasm was adolescent, and that upon puberty, when women began having intercourse with men, women should transfer the center of orgasm to the vagina. The vagina, it was assumed, was able to produce a parallel, but more mature, orgasm than the clitoris.

Heh. Hence my problem with it. Kind of like magically transferring my toothache to my foot, so I can chew.

Also from The Myth, which really does explain the conundrum far better than I:

Frigidity has generally been defined by men as the failure of women to have vaginal orgasms. Actually the vagina is not a highly sensitive area and is not constructed to achieve orgasm. It is the clitoris which is the center of sexual sensitivity and which is the female equivalent of the penis.

[W]hile the stimulation may be psychological, the orgasm manifests itself physically. Thus, while the cause is psychological, the effect is still physical, and the orgasm necessarily takes place in the sexual organ equipped for sexual climax, the clitoris. The orgasm experience may also differ in degree of intensity – some more localized, and some more diffuse and sensitive. But they are all clitoral orgasms.

My problem, then, is not that I believe it’s impossible for women to have an orgasm without some kind of stimulation of the clitoris – just like some men can come while being spanked or dressing up in naughty clothes or having their ass reamed, some women can come without having any direct or indirect stimulation of their clitoris. Though I do think it’s more rare. Women who are orgasmic through intercourse may be lucky enough to have a narrower gap between the clitoris and the vagina, which means it receives greater indirect or diffuse pressure on every thrust. I have known one or two women like this.

The problem is the perception that another body part is doing the orgasming rather than the sexual organ whose function it is to orgasm. If a man comes in his pants thinking about something, is it a “brain” orgasm? Of course not. The proof is down there for him to see – his cock was hard, then it released semen, and now it’s softer. His orgasm was in his penis, regardless of the method used to bring him to orgasm.

And so it is with women. Sadly, Freud’s teachings were widely adopted by doctors, psychiatrists, and pop culture in general.

Keep in mind the most important part of this concept, the one that still resides in many minds (men’s, and women’s) today: a woman is not a real woman, frigid, something wrong with her, if she cannot manage to have this “vaginal” orgasm. Even today, it can bring worries of a sense of failure to women. I had a girlfriend ask me about it just the other week, so don’t think it’s amusing archaic thinking. It still persists today.

Those interested would probably enjoy reading The Myth in its entirety at the link above. While there are parts of it I don’t agree with as much – you have to remember that this was considered “radical feminist writing” when it was penned thirty years ago, and goes into discussion that I don’t think holds true of many of my readers (that men are threatened by female sexuality, or refuse to acknowledge women’s equality) – there are some illuminating concepts here for people who haven’t been exposed to women’s studies before.

And for the record, just so everyone who reads this knows the deal – women do not, in the majority, reach orgasm via intercourse. Statistically. From The-Clitoris.com:

New Study: Glamour Magazine, October 2000
Based on 1,500 women’s responses to an online poll at Glamour.com

In response to the question, “Do you need extra stimulation to orgasm?” the women responded:

I need “a hand” 38%
I can do it just from intercourse 28%
I need oral sex 21%
Other 10%
I need a vibrator 3%

Which backs up Shere Hite’s findings thirty years earlier, who found 26% of women could orgasm via intercourse.

There. Did that help to explain my position a little better? ๐Ÿ™‚

100 sexy things about me

Since I’m bored tonight, and feeling a little at loose ends, I thought I’d try my own version of the 100 things meme that seems to make the rounds in the blogosphere every so often. However, since I figure none of you really care about the color of my couch or the number of years I’ve lived in my apartment or where I went to school, I’ve modified the concept a bit for this blog: it’s all about sex, baby.
Now here’s hoping I can come up with 100 things about sex, huh?

  1. I notice a man’s hands first.
  2. I notice his eyes second.
  3. I have fooled around with a bisexual man exactly once.
  4. I have fooled around with a woman exactly once. (remind me to tell that story someday; it’s funny.)
  5. I prefer cut but won’t rule out uncut as a possibility.
  6. Super-long “porn” cocks scare the bejeesus out of me because I value my lungs.
  7. I own too many vibrators to count them all. Probably about ten.
  8. Two of them plug in.
  9. Only one is cock-sized and I rarely ever use it.
  10. And yet having a man’s fingers or cock inside me when I come feels incredible. (Go figure.)
  11. I own two butt plugs.
  12. Other than a test run when I first bought them, have never had them inside me.
  13. I own one pair of cuffs, from Eros Boutique, and they’re damned yummy.
  14. I own a black leather corset which makes me feel sexier than anything else in my closet.
  15. I own a black leather riding crop and yes, I’ve had it used on me.
  16. I own two slave collars, but my favourite is a black leather one given to me by a wonderful Dom.
  17. My favourite lube is Eros.
  18. Which is fantastic for giving handjobs.
  19. My favourite condom is Lifestyles Ultra Thin.
  20. Condoms are a neccessity. No glove, no love.
  21. Except during oral sex. And yes, I know that’s risky.
  22. I love to read erotica.
  23. Black Lace novels are my favourite.
  24. Nexus are a distant second.
  25. Emma Holly is my favourite erotica author.
  26. Also Aran Ashe.
  27. I have an entire bookshelf devoted to sex-related books.
  28. Some of them are non-fiction, even.
  29. My favourite non-fiction book is Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns.
  30. Also The Technology of Orgasm.
  31. Porn photos, even yummy amateur ones, do nothing for me.
  32. Erotic ones do, but mostly as art appreciation rather than arousal-inducing.
  33. Gay porn is hot hot hot.
  34. Brian Kinney would be my ideal partner if I were gay. Or if he was real. Or if I was a guy. Damn.
  35. There are times I have wondered what it would feel like to have a cock.
  36. Roughly the same times I swear I’m coming back as a gay man looking for a leather daddy.
  37. Lesbian porn is also enjoyable as long as it, the women, and the orgasms, are real.
  38. Het porn, unless it explores a specific kink, generally does little for me.
  39. My biggest pet peeve about porn is the lack of BDSM porn *with sex*.
  40. My strangest fetish is for priests and other men of the cloth.
  41. No, I don’t know where it came from.
  42. But it makes watching Quills and Stigmata highly enjoyable.
  43. I began learning about BDSM back in 2000 or so.
  44. A man named The Muse inspired my reading.
  45. Amusingly, I never played with him.
  46. It didn’t take me long to realize how strongly BDSM turned me on.
  47. I identify as submissive but don’t need it every time I have sex.
  48. However, power exists in every exchange between two people, and I notice this more now.
  49. And yes, it turns me on.
  50. I hate doormat subs. I’m a feisty little thing.
  51. I believe that how a person kisses is a great indicator of what kind of lover they are.
  52. I believe that what two (or three, or more) consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their business.
  53. Unless they decide to share it with me. And that’s just fun, really.
  54. The oldest star I find sexually attractive is Robert Redford. Or Sean Connery.
  55. And yes, that creeps me out. But I do anyway.
  56. The youngest star I find sexually attractive is Hayden Christensen.
  57. And yes, that also creeps me out. But again, I do anyway.
  58. I get secret crushes on bloggers from time to time.
  59. I have a perverse hope that bloggers get crushes on me from time to time.
  60. I love getting sexy email from my readers (hint!) although I admit I’m absolutely terrible at getting back to most of them.
  61. I started writing erotica in 1999.
  62. I’ve written several stories that don’t appear here for one reason or another.
  63. Only one of them was kept from the site because I was afraid it would be judged harshly.
  64. Many of my stories are inspired by sexy men I know, sexy men I’m fucking, or sexy men I’m dreaming about at the time.
  65. I’m currently writing for a men’s magazine as well as this site; the magazine pays better. ๐Ÿ™‚
  66. Yes, if you write me personally I’ll tell you which one.
  67. I’m working on several different stories as we speak and plan to get them up here just as soon as possible.
  68. I find most erotica on the Internet to be poorly written both grammatically, and in terms of pacing.
  69. I do have a few exceptions I keep on my hard drive for reference.
  70. My favourite source for erotic fiction online is alt.sex.stories.
  71. Which might explain why I have to wade through so much crap to find good fiction.
  72. And yes, reading about gay sex is almost as hot as watching it. Or maybe hotter. I’m not sure.
  73. But despite that, erotic fiction *books* featuring gay men are so boring to me I might as well read about knitting. If I did that sort of thing.
  74. I usually masturbate to erotic fiction.
  75. Only rarely do I masturbate to mental fantasies but some exceptions have been made.
  76. I masturbate roughly once a day unless I’m stressed which thankfully hasn’t been often, lately.
  77. The exception is three or four consecutive days every month when I’m incredibly horny and crampy, when I come several times a day usually.
  78. I believe the concecpt of the “vaginal orgasm” was one of the worst inaccurate concepts from 20th century sexology.
  79. I use toys about 95% of the time but mix them up every several days depending on my mood.
  80. My idea of a perfect Saturday afternoon is spent in bed with the sun streaming in and a hard cock to play with for hours.
  81. Because I just love touching them, and not just for the purpose of orgasm – just because I find them delicious to hold and taste and look at and stroke and…
  82. Public places turn me on.
  83. I have not had as much discreet public play as my voracious appetites would like. Yet.
  84. I have given a blow job in a deserted alleyway once.
  85. I have given a hand job in a darkened underground stairway once.
  86. I had sex once on the trading floor of a major bank.
  87. The walls were glass windows and the biggest turn on was worrying that someone would see.
  88. I have been teased in darkened doorways.
  89. But not in a movie theater or an elevator or a restaurant or a bar or the dozens of other places I would like to try.
  90. Which means I’m going to be a very busy girl eventually.
  91. I have also never had sex outside.
  92. The idea of this is a big turn on. Particularly at night, under the stars.
  93. My favourite position is missionary. I know. So vanilla. You’re all shocked. I can tell.
  94. I have never had a threesome. And yes, I’ve fantasized about it. Mostly with two men in the starring roles.
  95. And despite my love for gay sex most of these fantasies do not involve them touching each other. Okay, some do. But most don’t.
  96. I have considered from time to time trying out a male escort.
  97. Dropping $600-$1000 on a single night (and yes, that’s what they cost around here – I checked) is one of the main reasons I haven’t ever done so.
  98. I do believe prostitution should be legalized so its workers can have the same protection and rights as all others in the workforce. Because they probably need it even more than the kid at the donut shop making $8/hr.
  99. I believe in safe, sane and consensual, even when you’re not talking about BDSM.
  100. Despite the length of this list and the content of this site, I don’t think about sex all the time. Really. Well, mostly.

psa: the clitoris

I don’t know if this is the same for every woman, so bear with me. A random sampling of my girlfriends made up this argument in the form of Public Service Announcement; your results may vary with other women.

We’ve all heard the bit of truism that says lovers tend to touch each other’s genitals (at least at first glance) in the way that they themselves would like to be touched. I’ve tested this bit of wisdom against many of my (and my girlfriends’) past relationships and found it to be generally accurate. First time you hop in the sack, girls tend to want to touch the penis beside them very gently. In other words, for most men, Not Hard Enough. And most men, by contrast, touch the clitoris very firmly. In other words, for the women I’ve spoken to about this, Too Damn Hard.

And so, Vikki’s absolutely unscientific tips for touching the clitoris.

1. Firmness

Let’s assume a scale of 1 to 10 here. Think of it as a stereo volume dial. At 1, you’re touching her so very lightly you can barely feel her against your fingertips. Like how you’d stroke a newborn baby’s eyelids. At 10, you’re touching her just as hard as you’d ever imagined touching a woman there.

With that scale in mind, we’ve found via our random sampling that a great many men start at about 8.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

For the most part, 8 is going to be far too hard for any time but about six to fifty seconds before climax, or during more strenuous activity like full-out fucking. First of all, if you start at 8, what on earth are you going to build up to? And with women’s bodies, it’s most definitely all about “building up to”. And secondly, if you start at this level, it may not just be uncomfortable but actively painful. The kind of painful that makes us lose all desire to be touched down there for a while. Guys, it’s akin to when your cock bends the wrong way during sex. Ow.

Yes. That bad, at least for some women.

We have this lovely scale in out minds, yes? Let’s use it. Start with 1. Spend some time there. Enjoy the scenery.

Then progress to 2. Et cetera.

A big hint for guys: with a regular tempo, and following the other guidelines below, a lot of women (myself included) can come to orgasm with only a #2 touch. What’s more, sometimes those orgasms are more powerful and body-rocking than ones accomplished with a firmer touch.

So remember: newborn baby’s eyelids. Would you press your finger down there? Of course not. And so it goes with the clitoris.

2. Location, location, location

Knowing where to touch can be just as important as knowing how to touch. And before you jump salty on me and say “of course I know where to touch!”, keep reading.

The clitoris, as I’ve said before, has more nerve fibers than any other part of the body – male or female. 8,000 nerve fibers all screamingly close to the surface. Thankfully, this incredibly sensitive little bugger is covered by a clitoral hood. That’s the little “hood” of flesh that is over the “button” of the clitoris.

The clitoris extends up underneath the clitoral hood by at least a finger-length in most women, kind of like a tiny penis.

Hey. Did you notice I said finger-length here? That’s a hint!

Generally, a lot of women find the clitoris itself (the “button”) far, far too sensitive to be touched most of the time, even at the height of arousal. Stimulation on that spot can vary from very intense to uncomfortable to downright painful.

If we think of the clitoris and hood as your nose, for just a moment… touching the very bridge of the nose can be highly pleasurable. Ditto with the sides of the nose, the little creases on either side. But you want to avoid touching the tip of the nose. You don’t even want to get near it unless your lady asks for it. Think a good finger-width higher up, and you’re getting into safer territory.

And don’t forget, newborn baby eyelids. Would you want a woman to grind your balls up into your pubic bone?

3. Moisture

Moisture is the next most important thing. Don’t even think of going near the clitoris without wet fingers. The closest thing I could liken it to is this: would you want your woman to shove a finger or two up your ass without lube? No? Same thing applies here. The clitoris is just far too sensitive to be touched dry, most of the time. It hurts, fellas.

Luckily, Mother Nature provided a repository of lube nearby for you, all handy and everything, no external lube required, most of the time. Yes. Just move those fingers a little lower first, dip ever so lightly into the very entrance of her pussy, and you’ll likely get all the lube you need. There are exceptions of course – if she’s not turned on enough yet, there won’t be much, and some women just don’t manufacture that much lube on their own. Ask your lady when in doubt. She may just happily pass you a bottle of her favourite lube, or ask for a little more playtime first.

Regular and careful re-applications of this moisture are also important. If you’re down there playing for a while, her clit and your fingers may get dry again. Make sure you keep everything smooth and slippery. You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much lubrication.

4. Tempo

Luckily, boys, we’re a lot like you in this department, so this stuff is easier to figure out. We need a regular tempo to get off. It doesn’t have to be blindingly, finger-painfully fast. It just needs to be steady. Again, even very light (#2) pressure with wet fingers and a slow, steady tempo is enough to take a lot of women over the edge.

Steady is the key. Mixing it up, when you’re learning her body, is one thing. But when she’s getting close to orgasm (and again, if you’re not sure – ASK!), you need to keep a steady rhythm. It does not have to be as fast as you pump yourself when you’re jerking off. Or even close to that. A slow steady tempo is much more effective than irregular bursts of a faster tempo.

And men, if she says “oh, god, don’t stop” – do exactly what you’re doing. Please don’t stop, or change direction, or change tempo, or firmness.

So there you have it, one completely unscientific look at how to touch a woman. Yes, there are some women who want or need more things, or different ones, than the techniques described above. But this is a very safe primer that should work for most women at first. If they need more, they’ll tell you.

Or as always, feel free to ask them!

that’s it, the search is over

I have finally found the man of my dreams. Game over.

The new man in my life, pagan god that he is, wrote me the first email in our new, lifelong correspondence just last night:

Hey vikki..

You sound like the perfect babe to me. I am availabel anytime you are.
Let’s hook up.

Now, really, how could I consider giving myself to any other man, with an offer like that on the table?

Sigh.

I wish I could say I don’t get something like this every week. But I do.

cunni-what? update

You know, I hesitated for a long time writing about my issues with cunnilingus. I hate like hell to show my clay feet, and prefer most of the time to reside on the earth-goddess pedestal I just know you’ve all put me on. ๐Ÿ™‚

That said, I’ve been blown away by the response I’ve gotten. The comments have been wonderfully supportive and full of some excellent suggestions, some of which I may just take under advisement with my next beau. When I get over the squirm factor, anyway.

One of the most lubricious responses came from the inimitable Jonathan Quince, who felt moved enough by my ick factor to pen an entire post of his own, Nectar of Godliness:

Live and learn. There are so many delights in this life oft taken for granted; and it is altogether too easy to assume that a thoroughly enjoyable activity would be pleasing to everybody. Thus, I was in shock to see that a woman could refuse to be on the receiving end of cunnilingus. โ€œIt’s icky,โ€ she says (emphasis hers). Say what!? Making such an allegation in my presence is tantamount to telling an addict that cocaine is โ€œickyโ€.

The entire post is really wonderful, penned in Jonathan’s matchless over-the-top style. And all I could think reading it was: Oh, man, where were you when I was young and dating boys who did think it was icky?

Careful readers will note his tongue-in-cheek (ahem) offer to duly tie me up and offer me the relief I seek, were I ever in his presence. Good gravy. Let’s just say such a statement made me tongue-tied, to say the least. Luckily, my tongue is not required to pen a response here, and I’ll simply say that the young lady in his life is a lucky one indeed.

As for me, I continue to work towards finding inner peace about my issues with this act. Nancy Friday once coined it as the “cloaca concept”, and I could relate immediately. But hearing from all of you, including Sir Jonathan, has helped immensely to reassure me that there are indeed some men who really enjoy it, and perhaps at some point I may find one and give it the old college try again.

Thank you, all!

more kinky web finds

I’ve got to say, I love getting comments on here – keep ’em coming! Particularly when you’ve also got a kinky blog; I’ve found a few great sites recently, often because of sites left in comments or sites that my commenters link to in their own blogs.

Newest finds, all duly added to the sidebar:

The Journey – Ran into this one through Danae’s kind comments. It’s her “Master’s” site, and I found it really, really fascinating reading, particularly his Keys post. It’s always so fascinating for me to read what dominants say and think and feel, because it’s just so different to how my brain works. I’ve got a lot of back-reading to do on this one, to catch up.

Letters to an Angel – Another dominant’s blog, found via Neko’s kind comments. Still pretty new, and I don’t normally link to these until they’ve been up and constant for a few months (linkrot in the sexblog community is almost worse than in the general population at large – or so it seems at times) but a lot of what he’s written really hits home with me. It goes back to what I said here, about trusting someone enough.

Captive Heart – Yes, I know, this one’s been around for a while and I’ve read it off and on, and kept meaning to link to it. Many of my commenters link to it, which jogged my memory recently and shame on me for just getting around to it now! I do so enjoy reading about the escapades of Katy and her Master – though I will admit (see above two links re: fascination with the thinking of a dominant) that I enjoy her Master’s posts more. I just wish he’d post more, not that I don’t love what Katy has to say. ๐Ÿ™‚

I really should find more good blogs written by d/s couples or dominants alone. Any suggestions for me?

did you say cigar?

I am so, so relieved to know I’m not the only woman out there with a Bill Clinton fetish.

I have been in serious heat for the man ever since seeing him, pre-presidency, on the Arsenio Hall show (yeah, I know, I’m dating myself here), playing a saxophone. Damned sexiest presidential candidate I’d ever seen. I was captivated.

His intelligence and sheer animal magnetism get to me every time.

And knowing he likes well-rounded brunettes only helped matters, really.