excellent BDSM primer

So you’ve been thinking about all this BDSM stuff. Mostly, it scares or confuses you. But curiousity being what it is… maybe you’d like to know more.

Thanks to Sasha, I found a really, really excellent primer on how BDSM works – it answers a LOT of the questions I had when I first got curious about this lifestyle, in a very conversational, sane, and forthright way. I’m going to recommend it not only to you but to any of my friends who are curious about this lifestyle, and still have questions.

The primer: Why BDSM?.

He’s also got some great articles on: Why? Why would you hurt someone you love? and Domination for Nice Guys.

Great quote:

When it comes right down to it, if your goal is self-knowledge and personal enlightenment, I put six months in a BDSM relationship up there with three years in a Tibetian monestary any day.

Most people who haven’t read or played much with BDSM find it incredible to believe that BDSM is so heavily psychologically charged, that you can actually learn things and even work out issues you’ve had for years within the limits of a loving BDSM relationship.

But it’s true. I’m a healthier and more emotionally evolved person as a result of the play that I’ve done with my partners. I know myself better and have learned more about my psyche than I could possibly explain in this wee post.

Anywhoo, go. Read.

[And as a side note – my partner got me this lovely I Enjoy A Good Spanking t-shirt for Christmas. It’s hilarious. And it fits like a dream. I’m waxing and waning between anticipation and dread for when the summer comes and he wants me to wear it in public. ;)]

from ye old mailbag

Ross writes:

Hi I have been going out with my girlfriend now for 16 months now and i just want tips on how to give her better orgasm’s

Ross, honey, you’re asking the wrong lady. Why do people always look outside the relationship for suggestions like these?

Look, everybody (well, okay, almost everybody) masturbates. I’m going to play the odds here and assume your girfriend does too. (That’s even if she won’t admit it to you, honey.)

And assuming that she does masturbate, the odds are incredibly good that she’s given herself more orgasms than any man (or woman) in her life, ever. Plus, she has the accumulated knowledge of every other partner she’s ever been with, and anything they did that made her toes tingle.

In other words, she’s pretty much an expert about how to make her orgasms better. The world’s foremost expert on her own body, as it were.

Ask her. Or better, get her to show you – either by touching herself while you watch, or by guiding your fingers/tongue/cock either by example or by explanation.

[Sigh] Maybe I’m just getting old and ornery with my advanced years. But it just seems to me that so much of sex advice – like, I don’t know, 60% or more – could be easily resolved (and probably more satisfyingly) if you communicate, communicate, communicate.

I’ve been with both incredibly experienced and incredibly inexperienced lovers, some with innate skills, some with no idea what a woman’s nether bits looked like much less worked. And I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how many books they read, how many partners they’d been with, how many sex advice columns they devoured.

What mattered was: did they listen to me? Did they encourage open communication? Did they actually use the information they were given?

Men aren’t born knowing how to send every woman into the throes of ecstasy. It takes time and communication to learn your partner’s body – because every woman is different. A stock answer is never your answer.

Talk to her. Touch her and ask her questions. Explore. Have fun.

And, you know, in case, I forgot to mention it, communicate! 🙂