the thing I’ve been afraid to think

It’s been an exhilarating ride, these past three months, since my Darling and I decided to try and switch roles and for the first time in our lives, step into new pants (or lack thereof, depending).

It has been exhiliarating because it’s been so exciting. Because we have learned so many things about ourselves, and about each other. Because we’ve been trying new things and feeling new things and generally been on an adventure together. While neither of us realized beforehand how exciting it would be, it makes sense in retrospect.

I didn’t just identify as a sub before, despite my love of teasing. I identified as a sub. Like, that was the thing that got me juiced. The thing I looked for in partners or fantasies. The thing that made me feel safe and secure and complete and its distinct lack in the last several years were a BIG part of the reason why I came to struggle so mightily with my marriage. I didn’t ever entertain notions of dominance. From my perspective, I had enough damned dominance every day to fill two people’s lives. I run businesses for a living. Teams of people depend on me. I run our home. I take a primary caregiver role with my stepdaughter. My husband, god love him, often needs my support more than I need his. The last thing in the world I wanted was to take on that responsibility in the bedroom as well. That was supposed to be my place to relax and be taken care of.

But we sat, and we talked, and we decided to try this because nothing else was working any more and we loved each other too much to consider the alternative.

It was clear to me, though, that I was doing this to save my marriage. Not because I was actually dominant.

Sigh.

You see the prevarication, above? You see how desperately I already had all the clues I would ever need and yet still, I had no idea going in?

We played. Over the last twelve weeks or so, I’ve found my feet. Found a way to dominate that feels natural and right to me. Learned about what turns us on, what doesn’t, so many play sessions and teasing sessions and erotic encounters (daily! several times daily sometimes!) that seriously, we may have actually played more and been more intimate in the past twelve weeks than in the past year or two combined. (Yeah, it was that bad.)

But all along I’ve been terrified to admit the full and total truth. Even with all the evidence:

  • how frequently and hard hard hard I get turned on
  • how tender and loving I feel towards my Darling, especially when he is being shy, or submissive, or nervous
  • how intimate and comfortable I feel with his entire body for the first time in our lives, ever: I own every crevice… no spot is unseen, no area untouched
  • how easily we fell into all of this and how natural it has seemed, despite such a tidal change in how we interact
  • how natural and sudden dominant thoughts (totally foreign to me)now crop up within me – ogling thoughts, i-want-to-bite-him thoughts, wanting-to-hurt-him thoughts, wanting-to-fuck-with-his-head-and-get-him-all-aroused thoughts, and more.

I haven’t wanted to admit that maybe I was like this all along. Maybe I was always a Domme, waiting inside for my brain to catch up with what my instincts already knew.

Maybe I spent the last 13 years of my life trying to be a round hole when I was actually a square peg all along.

My Darling and I have circled around this conversation for a while, especially the last two months – wondering if we truly made a complicated mess out of nine entire years together because we were both too blind to see the truth.

But for me the questions are even further reaching: did I not know myself before? What does this mean about the other lovers I took as a sub, who dominated me and taught me about this lifestyle to begin with?

I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is that this is the happiest my Darling and I have ever been. While we still argue, the tension and acrimony and emotionally stunted last several years have, literally, disappeared in just twelve weeks. We love each other more than ever before. We do what feels natural to us – even when what feels natural is decidedly unnatural within the context of our relationship before. We talk more. Trust more. Hold each other and touch more.

For now, he is mine. I am not faking this. I am profoundly moved by this experience, more so every single day.

Perhaps I am, after all, a Domme.

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