I look at him now, and he blushes. If I tease him about his wants, his desires, his hard cock, his delicious whimpering… He hides. Blushes. Grows shy. Covers his face.

He doesn’t put it on. This is true vulnerability coming to the surface, vulnerability he’s never let me see because he always “had” to be the one in charge. But I see it now.

It’s unbelievably delicious. I wish that I could explain why it’s so delicious. It is shocking, the mental and physical reaction I get when he is embarrassed and turned on and squirmy and soft and demure.

The mental: realization that he’s feeling shy, embarrassed, small, dominated. A burst of happy, followed by excitement, the realization all over again that he’s mine to play with now, mine to fuck with, stretch on a rack of emotional and mental and physical arousal. I grow bigger, mentally, more aware of my role, more aware of the power I wield. And I want it. And want him. All deliciously tangled up together.

The physical: the excitement leads to a jump in my chest as I realize how I’m affecting him. Subtly, my body changes – my gaze even more direct, my shoulders straighter, my body more languorous. I feel like a tiger stretched out, relaxed, but with all the power in the world at my fingertips if I need it. He gets smaller, hunches his shoulders, looks down, and I get that lovely hard aching throb between my thighs. It beats. I hum.

It makes me want to grip the back of his neck and hold him down. Makes me want to soothe him by holding him between my breasts. It makes me want to curl him naked on the bed and come up behind him and cover him with bites, make him moan and whimper and

I like it when he is shy. It is a revelation to me.

what hasn’t changed since switching roles

Since I first tried on the big girl pants, things have actually changed quite a bit, and yet in some ways not at all. I’ve managed to retain quite a bit of “the old me”, so to speak, and used my love and my kink to develop scenes that hit on many of the sweet spots I’ve always had – I’m just not on the receiving end of them. Surprisingly, this is deeply satisfying for me.

  1. Being a smartass: That’s nothing new, and was the same when I was a sub. I’m mouthy and sarcastic. The thinking behind it is different, though. It used to be I would push my partner to lose their shit and dominate all over me. Shove me up against a wall, cover my mouth, shove my panties down, physically take control. I would taunt. And I wanted to be overpowered more than anything. Three months into being a Domme, I’m calmer in scene. My sarcasm and mouth now are used to fuck with my partner’s head. It also helps me to retain control in scene, because it helps me channel the side of me that I need to keep control, especially as we are both learning our new roles, occasionally stumbling across old role habits.
  2. What types of scenes I like: Pound for pound, I still love the mindfuck more than any other kind of domination. That’s still absolutely true now. In fact, it’s a relief to feel mindfuck done right, since the picture I had in my head of how mindfuck would look if done fully – by someone who knows you in and out and isn’t afraid to air out and expose all of your little picadilloes –  is finally now something I get to see. There’s incredible satisfaction in seeing my Darling’s responses, and knowing that my imagination and instincts on what works were and continue to be right.
  3. Tease and denial, baby: I was always about the tease and denial. Teasing in real life, teasing in fiction… it just always worked for me. I used to read T&D erotica and sites back in the day, though there was never much for women. As a result, I used to read and watch T&D even for men, just because it was the tease itself, and the incredible reactions it can engender, that would turn me on. Now that I control the tease, the orgasms, and the level of excitement? Whoo boy. Never more fun than today.
  4. Kissing: It’s just always been unspeakably sexy to me, the meshing of lips, the light licks ad sucks, nibbling on bottom lips. In the first incarnation of my marriage, this wasn’t really something that was on the table. But now that I’m in charge, not only does it happen, but we’ve learned that my Darling actually loves it, lusts for it, whines at being denied it. Yum.
  5. Exhibitionism: I have always been an exhibitionist, thrilled and aroused by the idea of being seen. Public arousal, semi-public acts… delicious. As luck would have it, turns out my Darling is quite an exhibitionist himself. I’ve had great fun milking this kink of ours, arousing us both and allowing me to fuck quite delightfully with his head. [Reminder to self: talk about car games in a future post! What fun!]

That’s not to say that nothing has changed. Obviously, lots has. But it’s reassuring to know that while I’m exploring new sides of myself, there’s familiarity, too. Thanks to Trilobyte for his comment, which inspired this post. More to come!