firsts

Truth be told, I’ve never really believed in the concept of coming without being touched. It seems a wonderfully romantic idea, particularly so when embedded into a BDSM story. But it’s a fiction, a sweet and hot idea to get the old masturbatory juices flowing.

Until.

It was a lovely scene, delicious from all the denial that had led up to it – denial borne both of purpose as well as life Getting In The Way, as it does sometimes.

Now, with our new arrangement, it’s easier to wait through those times. My boy does so love to be denied. Paradoxically it makes him sweeter and softer and steadier – instead of the anxious, tense, frustrated man I used to know.

I had applied a new delicious twist – a tingly hot cinnamon oil to his cock and balls. Oh how it warmed. Oh how it itched. I could see his need for friction making him vibrate as I teased him.

I edged him five glorious times with the oil reapplied liberally each time.

And then it was time for his reward. I had no intention, after all, of allowing him to come – definitely not so soon, and possibly not at all that day.

I attached two chains together and clipped the end of each to opposite sides of his collar. A set of metal reins. I wanted to ride.

I climbed on the bed. Vikki, as you know if you’ve read through the archives, used to be quite squeamish about having her pussy licked, but no more. I’ve developed – shall we say – a taste for it.

I spread my legs, grabbed the metal reins, and pulled his face to my pussy. I rode him, jerking on his reins over and over again to get the rhythm I wanted.

Soon, when I was getting close, I realized I was hearing noises from him that I’d never heard before. Concerned, I asked if he was okay. He said yes but that he was also getting close.

Worried that he was grinding himself against the bed while sucking on me, I told him to raise up his hips so his cock was getting literally no stimulation at all. My boy obeyed happily, not wanting to disappoint me by coming without permission.

A few minutes later though, when I was incredibly close, I heard the noises. Again. I didn’t have the ability or desire to stop at that point, however.

He came. Cock swinging in the air. While he brought me off.

When the orgasmic dust had cleared I was stunned. He had come without being touched. For the first time ever. For either of us.

He had come from the itch of his cock and the mental fuckery of having his face jerked onto my pussy over and over. He had come from the mindfuck of having reins on him.

It was a shock. And a delight. And enough of both that he didn’t even get in trouble for coming without permission.

So lovely, to still find firsts. And how delicious a first… With such promise for future scenes.

Yum.

the first time I used a flogger

I have always loved my flogger. Purchased years ago from quality leather retailer Northbound, it has a lovely solid feeling braided leather shaft and long strands of suede-backed leather. I bought it myself, as I bought so many of our sex toys, because I wanted the toys to only be used on me, to stay with me if I got a new partner. But also it was because they were lovely and well made and it turned me on to touch them, to own them.

It’s moments like that when I think back through my reasoning that I wonder if I was just a domme all along. What sub buys their own paddles and floggers and cuffs? Moreover, what Dom agrees to use someone else’s toys? Was I fooling myself all this time?

It was about two months ago that, for the first time in the eight years since I bought it, I used the flogger on someone else for the first time.

I was a little scared. Not that I’d hurt my Darling, because the flogger is lovely and thuddy but really shouldn’t hurt as long as I was light about it. But I didn’t know how to swing it. And I never believed I had very good aim, either – I had visions of Rose from Titanic aiming the ax once and then trying to line up for the exact same shot, and missing by a mile.

When it came time to swing, I messed up the first few shots, landing imperfectly. then I caught a rhythm. And so did my Darling.

Learning about Vikki moment #1: I loved it. It was deeply satisfying physically to swing the flogger. Deeply satisfying to land it on a sweet pair of ass cheeks. To feel the swish. To hear the thud. To watch my lover push his ass up for more.

When I was done, my pussy was soaked.

Every time I’ve swung it since that first scene, it’s been more deeply satisfying than before. More arousing. I will talk soon about this odd cock reflex I’m developing – it defintely triggers that. Makes me want to try a scene where I can really gorge myself – half an hour or more of nice deep thuddy flogging.

Plus, cardio. How could that hurt?

from ye olde mailbag

I know. Two posts in a month. Y’all might faint. 🙂

Dana writes:

I was just wondering if you could tell me exactly how you got into BDSM? I mean, was it something that just happened? A partner who was interested and sparked your interest? You had always been interested and were lucky enough to have a receptive lover? You actively searched for a dominant man?

When I first read this I thought: surely I covered this somewhere before, in the archives. Such a turning-point story in my life! But a quick peek through didn’t turn up much of anything, so here goes.

My first real mental exposure to the concept of BDSM was from a man one or two might remember from the archives — the Muse. He would joke around about it from time to time, and I would nod and laugh as though I understood. Secretly, I was half terrified, half curious. I had more preconceptions than you could possibly imagine.

And so like all good scholarly sluts, I hit the books and started reading. I read several books, more online sources, more IRC chats and erotic novels than I care to count, and slowly began to realize that BDSM was something that was very powerful to me; it was something with which I identified strongly, something that spoke to me and I responded to, even though I’d never been exposed to it before.

And even more of a mindfuck: I didn’t identify as Domme. It was the submission, the being dominated, the letting go of all the things I hold most tightly, that fired every single sparkplug in my brain.

The books and articles helped me to dissect the mental and emotional aspects of submission – what it did for me, why I liked it – and reading pounds of erotica helped me to discern exactly what things turned me on, and what didn’t. The IRC chats in a few well known channels let me ask the questions I needed to ask and couldn’t find answers to. The circle went on and on for some time – learning something sexual, investigating what that meant emotionally, and vice versa.

Even scholars have to put the books down some time, however. And since I had absolutely no other idea how to find someone else into BDSM, I went on LavaLife. Got contacted by someone who identified as a Dom, and the conversation began.

This is where my learning really ramped up. We chatted via email, chat, and phone for several weeks. He was incredibly patient with me. He encouraged me to ask questions, to explore, to learn. And I began to understand in a more solid way what this lifestyle was about.

I was so turned on I could barely stand it. 🙂 And feeling, so much, like I’d finally found the answer to a question I didn’t even know I had.

Eventually, we agreed to meet. I was so nervous I was ready to jump out of my skin, and I’m sure I looked like Bambi in headlights. But in another way, all those nerves… well, that was part of it. Part of the throb. Part of the mindfuck. And I’m sure he knew it, and worked it to its best advantage.
On our second date, I finally played for the first time, and it was a revelation. You can read about that first experience here.

So to answer your question, Dana… yes, to several of your questions. A man I was attracted to first got me curious about it (though we never played), I learned on my own first (in my opinion, a crucial first step for a lot of people), and then I went out and searched for a Dominant man to show me the ropes.

Hope that helps!

excellent BDSM primer

So you’ve been thinking about all this BDSM stuff. Mostly, it scares or confuses you. But curiousity being what it is… maybe you’d like to know more.

Thanks to Sasha, I found a really, really excellent primer on how BDSM works – it answers a LOT of the questions I had when I first got curious about this lifestyle, in a very conversational, sane, and forthright way. I’m going to recommend it not only to you but to any of my friends who are curious about this lifestyle, and still have questions.

The primer: Why BDSM?.

He’s also got some great articles on: Why? Why would you hurt someone you love? and Domination for Nice Guys.

Great quote:

When it comes right down to it, if your goal is self-knowledge and personal enlightenment, I put six months in a BDSM relationship up there with three years in a Tibetian monestary any day.

Most people who haven’t read or played much with BDSM find it incredible to believe that BDSM is so heavily psychologically charged, that you can actually learn things and even work out issues you’ve had for years within the limits of a loving BDSM relationship.

But it’s true. I’m a healthier and more emotionally evolved person as a result of the play that I’ve done with my partners. I know myself better and have learned more about my psyche than I could possibly explain in this wee post.

Anywhoo, go. Read.

[And as a side note – my partner got me this lovely I Enjoy A Good Spanking t-shirt for Christmas. It’s hilarious. And it fits like a dream. I’m waxing and waning between anticipation and dread for when the summer comes and he wants me to wear it in public. ;)]

bdsm in the movies

There are so few good movies out there that explore power exchange. BDSM porn is useless to me, in most cases, since it’s incredibly contrived and the actors so rarely enjoy their roles or the activities they’re performing. What’s more, the eroticism just isn’t there in most cases. And for me, BDSM is about eroticism. Power exchange isn’t matter of fact: it’s erotic. Devastatingly so. I crave the ability to see that on screen.

Which leaves me to look to mainstream movies to get my power exchange fix. And while there aren’t a lot of them, there are a few. My favorites include:

Secretary – well, now, that’s just obvious, isn’t it? But it’s still very erotic. Took me several watchings to get over my anger at the filmmakers for taking to extremes what could have been a lovely basic story that reflects many BDSMers initial inner conflicts, but I still identify with the girl at crucially erotic moments, discovering how much she likes to be spanked, how his very reticence enthralls her…

Swept Away – I understand that this is a remake, and also tanked at every box office in the world, but there are parts of it I enjoy. While some of the message is a little bolloxed up, the one theme – with submission to someone stronger, you find your own strength – is one I identify with. And frankly, Adriano Giannini is just hot.

Body of Evidence – Well, yeah, I know, again the movie is not the best in the world, but William Dafoe and Madonna are an interesting mix onscreen. I love her power and her strength in the “love” scenes. Plus, really, I just think Madonna’s hot. Must be leftover from my material girl days. Wait. Are those days over yet? 🙂

Basic Instinct – For all its shortcomings, I still find these scenes very sexy. It is the mindfuck in this film that gets to me on a BDSM level. While they don’t state it outright, it’s pretty clear that Sharon Stone’s character has a pretty thorough understanding of power play. And she uses is to toe-curling advantage. Particularly the teasing scenes in the club, and well, anything with white silk scarves is OK by me, minus the ice pick of course.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – The episode in Season 6 (I can’t remember the name of it right now, darnit) where Spike lightly “doms” Buffy up on the balcony of The Bronze. Solid gold. That scene turns me on so much I’m liable to jump the nearest person while watching it. Thank goodness they never show that episode in public anywhere. Who knows what I’d do?

Queer as Folk – Many episodes feature the concepts of power exchange, and Brian is just plain dommy. Or is that yummy? Deliciously erotic gay sex throughout.

Wild Orchid – Now this is another basically lame movie, BUT: Mickey Rourke is unbelivably dommy in the film, though without the usual trappings. He’s definitely at the top of the power exchange. When he sends her up to have sex with the stranger, and she clings to the bars in the window, looking down at him… damn. Hot hot hot.

I know there are more. Sexuality.org lists Mainstream Films featuring BDSM Practices, which in my book is NOT the same thing, as many of these are torture/rape/death scenes and not sexy at all. But it’s a start.

Anyone know of other movies I should try?

limits

Whether you’re just nudging around the edges of kinky play or delving deeply into a BDSM-centered relationship, limits are something you have to think about, and discuss. What your personal limits are. What their personal limits are. And so on.

But there’s another limit that I hadn’t really touched on until recently in my own play. And that’s the limit of misbehaving.

It’s kind of like kids (not that I have any experience in parenting to draw on here). Kids push limits all the time. If for no other reason than to know where the limits are, and what the consequences are should they step over those limits.

BDSM can really be quite similar to that; however, I hadn’t ever really pushed limits with any of my former lovers. Though there is a great big brat inside of me who just loves to say “no”, I had never really given that brat room to move until recently.

Part of the reason for holding back was fear: fear that my lovers wouldn’t like my bratty side, fear that it would turn them off. But the biggest fear of all was worrying that they didn’t have a limit. That they might say “Do this, or else” but when push came to shove, they wouldn’t follow through, they would soften up, they wouldn’t be hard on me because they didn’t want to be mean, didn’t want to hurt me, didn’t want to punish me, whatever.

I kept myself from pushing those boundaries not because I was afraid of the consequences but because I was afraid there wouldn’t be any. The last thing a subbie wants to do is lose respect for the man who is domming her; at least, that’s how it has always worked for me. And the easiest and quickest way to lose my respect is to not actually mean what you say. (Actually, that works both inside and outside of the bedroom.)

Respect is a HUGE part of my willingness to submit; without it, it’s difficult for me to give up all the natural assertiveness I walk around with every day. No matter how much I might want to, I cannot put myself in someone else’s care unless I know and trust that they can handle me, themselves, and whatever else comes up along the way.

But recently, I’ve started allowing my inner brat some movement in play. I let her say no, I let her whine, I let her squirm and wriggle and try to get away. In my mind, though, there was always this unanswered question: what happens if I push too far?

Honestly, I was terrified to find out. Not terrified that I’d be beaten to a bloody pulp or anything like that. Terrified that I would be able to keep pushing. Pushing and pushing with no resistance. I can’t think of anything I’d hate more.

You see, I like the boundaries. I like being reminded who is in charge. I like being allowed some room for movement, of course (well, except when bound *wink*) but in the end I want (and more importantly NEED) a firm hand on my shoulders, steadying me, guiding me, teasing me, helping me to be the deliciously naughty sexual woman I delight in being.

Recently during play, I was in one heck of a bad mood that had nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with the other crap that crowds in from time to time. And my inner brat was screaming to be let out. I was just mad enough to let her go where she wished, which meant pushing one hell of a lot of limits and buttons. I regret that I didn’t just stop the play right then but I am fervently glad for what resulted.

I found there were limits. I got warned with a “1”, and then a “2”, but unlike every other time, I just kept pushing. And when “3” was reached, I hit the brick wall of my partner’s resistance and found there were consequences for my actions.

I didn’t enjoy the punishment. But it was temporary, and the long-term lesson I learned was not.

There are limits. There are boundaries for my behavior. And if I step over them, there are consequences.

And I just couldn’t be happier about that.

damn, that’s sexy

Was running through my blogroll today, catching up on what everyone has to say. And spanking, it would seem, is the theme du jour. Or is it just that I read a lot of sites about this?

At Spanking Blog, Bethie talks about her birthday spanking (leaving me unbearably jealous – do you all realize I’ve never had an actual *birthday* spanking?) and the discovery of the wonderful sensuality of the flogger. Mmm, floggers. My favourite.

The Boss at Collar Purple mentioned on the 9th (and oh, how I wish this site had permalinks to entries) that often when a subbie needs a spanking most is when they’re least capable of realizing and asking for it – when they’re feeling pouty and headstrong and generally not all that subbie. Hmm. Pains me to agree with this, but I do have to admit I’m a much changed girl after a good spanking. Centered, somehow. Freed.

And sexiest of all, Neko over at Letters to An Angel (recently redesigned and yummier than ever) talks about why he spanks his angel, and it’s one heck of a toe-curling explanation. Talk about getting a girl all worked up!

Damn. Sitting here at 11pm all by your lonesome and sick with a cold is one heck of a lousy time to realize all you’d really like is a good spanking followed up by some nasty wet hot sex.

to hell with the closet

Since I’m on a kick with my last post about hiding your sexuality…

I can’t tell you how many people in the BDSM lifestyle I’ve spoken to who are completely in the closet about their kinky life. To the point of breaking down furniture, completely cleaning or changing their rooms when people come to visit. To the point that not a single person other than past partners has any clue about their preferences.

Look, I’m not crazy here. I’m not talking about broadcasting your sexuality to your mom or your thirteen-year old cousin or your boss, not saying in the least that you should give blow-by-blow descriptions (heh, literally) or furnish your friends with their own copies of your homemade DVDs, but really. To not even mention it in passing to your friends? To have something so central to your very makeup that your friends are completely in the dark about?

Let me tell you how this can get very bad very fast. So you have a few single friends. You meet someone on Bondage.com or Alt.com and lo and behold all the moons are in alignment and it’s actually working out. Friends begin to ask them how you meet. If you’re very lucky, your friends know diddly squat about the Interweb and you mutter “online personals” and leave it at that.
But let’s say you’re not lucky. And the single friends ask you which personals you met on because hey, they haven’t been having much luck either and it seemed to work for you… You’re going to, what, lie? Tell them Match.com?

What if you read kinky books? Are you going to have a secret stash of these books that you keep under your bed? What if your friends help you paint the apartment or move? Will you box up your really embarassing shit, label it “feminine products” and just hope that your non-squicky girlfriends don’t start unpacking that box?

What if you slip? Wouldn’t you be worried all the time that you’d accidentally let something slip – a too hearty chuckle over a joke with BDSM implications, slight fascination with the leather bar depicted on Law and Order, a slightly sore behind from last night’s spanking that has to be explained away?

Doesn’t this seem an awful lot like being in the closet about your gender preference in partners? It does to me. And it just gets under my skin, for much the same reasons why I used to get so angry against a society and culture that forced or at least encouraged gays to stay in the closet. Again, I’m not saying you have to or even *should* share the intimate details in your life but if you’re kinky for life, isn’t it an awfully big part of your life, your makeup, and your partners to not even mention in passing to friends – even just one or two close ones?

My kinkiness, while not all-encompassing or all-consuming (and goodness knows I’ve left it behind for periods of time due to stress, tiredness, or just plain temporary disinterest) is an integral part of me, of who I am. And while I try hard to take pains to not revolt or upset unduly the people in my life who couldn’t handle the knowledge (my parents, for instance), I also don’t hide it.

And, interestingly, it’s come to pass over the years that the majority of my friends know, at least a general “oh, she’s kinky” kind of thing. And lots – indeed, most – of them end up asking me questions at some point or another. Maybe it’s to satisfy their own curiousities. Maybe it’s to help understand me, their friend, better.

But I do know that I bless each and every one of my friends for their support, for their understanding, and their love. I can’t imagine feeling so isolated and alone when it comes to my love life, as those “in the closet” must feel.

delicious fetish gear

Wow, it’s been all about the vagina month, hm? Guess I was kind of on a kick. The good news is today, I have lovely and yummy toys to share.

Somehow I’d missed the lovely site that is Extreme Restraints until Eden pointed me to it today, and I have to say that I have completely, head over heels, fallen in love with their products. I may need to get several.

Among my favourite finds from this evening’s browse:

Julian Snelling Rosebud Anal Jewelry – How pretty is this? I think it’s just lovely.

Premium Deerskin Leather Floggers – Oh, my, these are just outstanding-looking. How I miss floggers. Damn.

Leather and Fur Paddle – Since my ass in nowhere near as hardy as Bethie’s, I think the combination of fur and sturdy leather would feel… er… interesting. Yes. That’s a lovely way to put it.

The Fantasy Rack – Um. Hmm. Yes. Interesting.

Leather Spanking Skirt – If I could ever justify spending $177 on something I’d never wear outside, I would so totally buy this. It looks so amazing I’m getting all perky just thinking about it.

Cleopatra Chrome Collar – While this wouldn’t be practical for more… bendy forms of bondage, because I suspect it could really irritate the chest, this is just a lovely piece.

Good thing I moved my Visa to the other room before visiting. It’s an addiction, I tell you, an addiction! I need help! 🙂

more kinky web finds

I’ve got to say, I love getting comments on here – keep ’em coming! Particularly when you’ve also got a kinky blog; I’ve found a few great sites recently, often because of sites left in comments or sites that my commenters link to in their own blogs.

Newest finds, all duly added to the sidebar:

The Journey – Ran into this one through Danae’s kind comments. It’s her “Master’s” site, and I found it really, really fascinating reading, particularly his Keys post. It’s always so fascinating for me to read what dominants say and think and feel, because it’s just so different to how my brain works. I’ve got a lot of back-reading to do on this one, to catch up.

Letters to an Angel – Another dominant’s blog, found via Neko’s kind comments. Still pretty new, and I don’t normally link to these until they’ve been up and constant for a few months (linkrot in the sexblog community is almost worse than in the general population at large – or so it seems at times) but a lot of what he’s written really hits home with me. It goes back to what I said here, about trusting someone enough.

Captive Heart – Yes, I know, this one’s been around for a while and I’ve read it off and on, and kept meaning to link to it. Many of my commenters link to it, which jogged my memory recently and shame on me for just getting around to it now! I do so enjoy reading about the escapades of Katy and her Master – though I will admit (see above two links re: fascination with the thinking of a dominant) that I enjoy her Master’s posts more. I just wish he’d post more, not that I don’t love what Katy has to say. 🙂

I really should find more good blogs written by d/s couples or dominants alone. Any suggestions for me?