i don’t know nothing ’bout birthin’ no babies, Miz Scarlett


Contraception. Maybe it’s because it’s such an awful, long, ugly word. Or maybe it’s because it can bring the whole gamut of human reality into play – life, death, sickness, health. Whatever the reason, people hate to think about contraception. They hate to deal with it. They hate discussing it. And all this hate and fear and discomfort often leads to avoidance, taking risks, and generally doing the ostrich thing. Trouble is, if you stick your head in the sand the worst that can happen is you get a mouthful of sand. Yum.
I know, I know, I’m likely preaching to the choir here. But reading an article on Nerve about having unsafe sex got me to thinking, and as usual when I think I tend to expound. Bear with me.
Here’s the biggest problem, as I see it. There are lots of handy contraceptive options out there in terms of preventing babies – the pill, Depo Provera, Norplant, the much-discussed Morning After Pill. This pretty much means keeping babies out of the picture is almost as easy as brushing your teeth. But really, to keep all those nasty microbes away that can give you lesions or kill you, there’s only one way to do it.
You know where I’m going with this. Come along for the ride.
Condoms. And despite the industry’s best efforts in providing us with choice – lambskin, colored, flavoured, glow-in-the-dark, thin, ultra-thin, sensi-thin, ribbed, female-only (don’t even get me STARTED on that one) – the end result is pretty much the same. Men, please step into this pair of rubber boots before sliding inside me. NO, honest, it will feel exactly the same! Trust me!
Truth is, I hate condoms too. It’s not just men. It feels better without for me too. Plus it just makes it so much easier to hop back and forth between fucking and sucking a man – because even in this safe-sex day and age, I just can’t handle giving a blowjob with a condom on. If you read my diary regularly, you know this. It’s akin to bringing home a steak from the grocery store, cooking it, and trying to eat it with the plastic wrap still intact. Eww.So… what to do, what to do. I think they need to come up with a “virtual” condom – one that just makes your pores or whatever impervious to those nasty little beasties. Sort of like a high-powered very localized antibotic shot. Only – no needles, please. People would be more likely to use it – hell, it would revolutionize the entire contraceptive industry! And then you wouldn’t have to go through the awkward questions, the awkward suggestions, the awkward unwrapping and donning of the roll-on rubber boot. Or maybe a spray-on condom would work. Flavoured, or no-scent-at-all. Waterproof, of course. (grin)
I mean, let’s face it. It’s like riding a horse. Bareback is best. With high leather boots and a riding crop. But I digress. 🙂

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Vikki McKay
By Vikki McKay

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