on my own again


It’s been a year since I asked my husband to leave. Within a few weeks, I’ll be putting our divorce into motion.
The past year has been a dazzling whirlwind of changes and experiences. And after the drought that was my marriage, many of those experiences had to do with men. I’ve dated nearly constantly for the past year, meeting and spending time with some really wonderful men.
From a life as a sexual neuter to an active, exciting social life is quite a change in one year. I have loved and lost and licked and stroked and much more. More importantly, I have learned a great deal about myself and my sexuality, which was (after all) part of the reason I was doing all this in the first place.
But I’ve been feeling a little overloaded lately. It’s a strange feeling. Certainly never a feeling I thought I’d experience! But there it is.
When you’re dating or married to someone who isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated, it’s relatively easy to leave. The justification is there, and easy to find. You deserve better, yadda yadda yadda, and off you walk into the sunset alone.
But what if you just want to be alone?
This has been the dilemma facing me lately. I know a perfectly wonderful man who treats me with great respect, and is an intuitive lover. But nothing he does, nothing he says, helps me to shake the feeling that I just need some time alone. Time to think and figure out what I really want, because I don’t even know what I’m looking for.
And I can’t shake the feeling that this makes me a shit.
But shit or no, this is the feeling. I can’t get past it. I want time. Time to hold my own hand. To live and laugh on my own. Sexual odyssey not over, just put on hold for a little while.
I’ve walked away feeling as though I wasn’t really being fair to him.
But I had to be fair to me.

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Vikki McKay
By Vikki McKay

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