from ye olde mailbag


I know. Two posts in a month. Y’all might faint. πŸ™‚

Dana writes:

I was just wondering if you could tell me exactly how you got into BDSM? I mean, was it something that just happened? A partner who was interested and sparked your interest? You had always been interested and were lucky enough to have a receptive lover? You actively searched for a dominant man?

When I first read this I thought: surely I covered this somewhere before, in the archives. Such a turning-point story in my life! But a quick peek through didn’t turn up much of anything, so here goes.

My first real mental exposure to the concept of BDSM was from a man one or two might remember from the archives — the Muse. He would joke around about it from time to time, and I would nod and laugh as though I understood. Secretly, I was half terrified, half curious. I had more preconceptions than you could possibly imagine.

And so like all good scholarly sluts, I hit the books and started reading. I read several books, more online sources, more IRC chats and erotic novels than I care to count, and slowly began to realize that BDSM was something that was very powerful to me; it was something with which I identified strongly, something that spoke to me and I responded to, even though I’d never been exposed to it before.

And even more of a mindfuck: I didn’t identify as Domme. It was the submission, the being dominated, the letting go of all the things I hold most tightly, that fired every single sparkplug in my brain.

The books and articles helped me to dissect the mental and emotional aspects of submission – what it did for me, why I liked it – and reading pounds of erotica helped me to discern exactly what things turned me on, and what didn’t. The IRC chats in a few well known channels let me ask the questions I needed to ask and couldn’t find answers to. The circle went on and on for some time – learning something sexual, investigating what that meant emotionally, and vice versa.

Even scholars have to put the books down some time, however. And since I had absolutely no other idea how to find someone else into BDSM, I went on LavaLife. Got contacted by someone who identified as a Dom, and the conversation began.

This is where my learning really ramped up. We chatted via email, chat, and phone for several weeks. He was incredibly patient with me. He encouraged me to ask questions, to explore, to learn. And I began to understand in a more solid way what this lifestyle was about.

I was so turned on I could barely stand it. πŸ™‚ And feeling, so much, like I’d finally found the answer to a question I didn’t even know I had.

Eventually, we agreed to meet. I was so nervous I was ready to jump out of my skin, and I’m sure I looked like Bambi in headlights. But in another way, all those nerves… well, that was part of it. Part of the throb. Part of the mindfuck. And I’m sure he knew it, and worked it to its best advantage.
On our second date, I finally played for the first time, and it was a revelation. You can read about that first experience here.

So to answer your question, Dana… yes, to several of your questions. A man I was attracted to first got me curious about it (though we never played), I learned on my own first (in my opinion, a crucial first step for a lot of people), and then I went out and searched for a Dominant man to show me the ropes.

Hope that helps!

About the author

Vikki McKay


  • Wow, that was scary – popping into your site and seeing my name!
    I don’t know if it helps; I suspect all the advice can’t help me any more, I need to take the first step. But it’s certainly facinating and I have to say I’m a little jealous! πŸ˜‰
    Thank you for taking the time to read my email and think about my questions, it was more than I could have hoped for. πŸ™‚

  • Just took the link to your first experience! Very nice, sounds as if you really enjoyed it. No orgasm for you though so how long did you wait until you took matters into your own hands? Thanks for sharing!

  • Since my ladyfriend has expressed an interest in this, I read your first experience as a kind of how-to manual. Yeah, we men need an instruction sheet at times. Having said that, a nod to you. We tried this a couple of days ago, and it succeeded beyond our dreams.

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