advice to the online seeker


After keeping a sex-related blog for the last four years, using the services of several different online personals sites, and generally meeting men online in a variety of ways including via chatrooms and forums, I’ve come across enough of a sample to be able to know what is going to work. For me, at least. And guys, I love ya, but some of you have completely terrible online manners (I’m sure the reverse is also true, but I’ve never tried to meet another woman online, so bear with me).

Want to know what works when trying to meet that sexy libidinous goddess of your dreams online? Here are my tips:

1. Learn how to spell and compose a sentence. I’m serious. There are classes for this. Go take one. If you’re not sure you need it, ask someone you chat with regularly (a friend or coworker)if they think you need it. Ask them to be honest.

2. Come up with a better opening line than “hi how are u” or “god your ____ made me so hot baby” or best of all “fuck i’m horney[sic], are you?”.

3. Learn everything you can about her – ask her lots of questions, read her online profile thoroughly, even Google her if you think it will help. And use those things are starting points for discussion. Answer in complete sentences and ask questions.

4. Realize that (above the tits and pussy you’re hoping to get your hands on) there is a brain, and the brain is the Gatekeeper for all the delicious naughty bits. Talk to her about everything, not just sex.

5. Know that in all likelihood, you have competition (ratio is definitely still in the ladies’ favour, at least for now) – stand out from the crowd. Appeal to her mind, be funny, be clever, be honest.

6. Understand that despite how sexy she is, how frank she might be, it still doesn’t mean she’s going to jump into bed with you on your first meeting. As in the bedroom, women take a little longer to warm up to the idea. We want to know what you look like in person, hear your voice, watch your mannerisms, before we can begin to be physically attracted to you.

7. Respect her limits and timing. If she’s ready to meet you in person, she’ll say so. Every woman needs a different amount of time. I can’t emphasize this enough. Don’t push her. If you can’t respect her limits online, and back off when she’s uncomfortable, then she’ll expect the same – and worse – from you offline.

8. Don’t chat with another person while chatting with her. Even if you don’t tell her, she’ll be able to tell by the time delays, and if you can’t even focus on her online, how can she expect you to focus on her offline?

9. Be clear about what you’re looking for. There’s no shame in wanting a casual fuck buddy, but make sure you’re both on the same page as early on as possible.

10. Let her bring up the idea of sharing photos. Guaranteed, you will ask too soon. (Hint: the first ten minutes is too soon.)

11. Make sure you have two photos available (this is just good etiquette for everyone hoping to meet someone online); one closeup of your face and then one full-body photo. Do not share a naked or racy photo of yourself without asking first. And please, please, please, no photos where you’re obviously standing next to your last girlfriend, who has since been cut or Photoshopped out of the picture.

12. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If you wouldn’t say it or do it in real life, then don’t do it online.

About the author

Vikki McKay


  • Came here via Bacchus ;o)
    Yes, yes and yes and yes. It’s such a small list and still most of the man fail. :o((
    I just had yesterday a very intense chat with a very nice jung man. At the end (after some hours) – he asked for a photo *argh*. (Yes he did ask if it might be possible to receive one some day but – it is this damm question again!).
    I don’t see Nr. 8 to be so important – I am such a courious person, interested in so many things at once – a person which could only follow one thing at a time is not my man ;o))
    Vikki – would you mind if I would translate it into german and share it with my readers?
    And thanks for giving me hope that I am not alone in this fight ;o)))

  • Trounca, go right ahead and translate it if you like. Can you send me a link when it’s up? Thanks!

  • hey vikki.
    I’m a guy, and although I’ve never been in a chatroom for longer than 2 minutes in my entire extended online life and in almost 10 years of internet experience only met one person I have sort of come to know through the internet, I have to wonder if part of the problem is different target groups. While I would certainly not rule out the possibility of actually meeting someone for whatever through the internet, your experience tells me that the existing methods are insifficient to match supply and demand. I’s have to think hard to think of any guy who would not pass your test (ok, more or less…) but they, like me, so far renounce to digital services because it’s still much harder to digitally match than to go out and look someone in the eyes, don’t you think?

  • Regardless of which side you’re on (male or female)…. be honest about your physical characteristics.
    I can’t tell you how damaging to trust it is when someone’s profile and photo say ” average” and the reality is that “a few extra pounds” is being generous.
    Also, a photo of you when you were in high school just doesn’t cut it when the ravages of 10+ years beyond that have taken their toll… not that being older is a problem… it’s just that that is NOT who you are today… the body piercings and tattoos that you’ve added that aren’t evident in your photo or profile can be pretty jarring…
    just my $.02

  • hello again vikki, thanks for your reply –
    I don’t have a green thumb either πŸ˜‰
    Although not an IT professional, I grew up with bits & bytes from the Atari 2600 on. I know that eye contact is not necessarily going to help to identify and avoid axe- murderers but it has something online dating cannot provide – physical closeness, smelling pheromones and all that.
    Sure, online dating can theoretically offer a different, less visual, more intellectual approach – but as your rules indicate, there seems to be a problem with identifying the axe-murderers when they don’t identify themselves (which they often do, apparently).
    Given the ever growing demands we have on those who we would invite to share our lives with us, as well as the ever growing pool of potential mates (a hundred years ago, the mating markets were local rather than (semi) global, as they are today) I agree with you that some sort of search cost reducing technology would be an ideal tool (and a certain way to be rich in an instant).
    But so far, I haven’t seen or even be able to come up with an idea of what such a service could look like. Maybe se

  • TS. Thanks for your comments. While it may be true that some men renounce digital because of its lack of eye-to-eye contact, the truth is I’m a digital girl. I don’t just do this for fun, I do this for a living and it’s a big part of who I am – and one of my prerequisites in a future partner is that the man be as comfortable with the online world as the offline. So, meeting here, in this space, has always seemed the most logical to me. That said, I’ll take your suggestions under advisement, as I head back out into the dating arena. πŸ™‚

  • this is great, especially number 1. If the guy can’t spell – that turns me off right away. Thanks..I’m going to post a link from my site soon..will let you know

  • Instead of complaining about men (the top 10 things you hate), how about The Top 10 Things Men Do that you love about them?
    That might create nice men in the world, instead of merely managing (and attracting) the bad ones.
    Sure, you can demand anything you want. But for two people to enjoy a real partnership, your appreciation is also necessary.

  • texas hold’em

    This brings me to the first point I want to make about what this book is not. I am not advocating a morality based on evolution. I am saying how things have evolved. I am not saying how we humans mora

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