it’s not just about the naughty bits


An interesting discussion is going on at the Erotica Readers site. It’s about the tendency of some men (and some women, for that matter) to focus only on the naughty bits (nipples, clit, cock) during foreplay. Some useful learnin’ here, especially for those who are curious about how people feel about foreplay and how to make it better.

But the one thing I noticed the most was that virtually none of them spoke about the thing that is, to my way of thinking, the most important facet of all, even before the kisses and strokes and long lusty licks.

For me, it’s always been about the mind. A man can bring me to full, wet, wanting readiness simply by playing with my mind, setting the scene for seduction while barely laying a finger on me.

A whispered comment. A bald statement from across the dinner table. A smirk. Knowing that he wants me. That he wants to do things to me. That he knows he can turn me on, or that he is so turned on by me he’s hard and aching, or both. Gentle flirting, or teasing so potent it makes me blush (a terribly embarassing trait to have as a 31 year old woman). Shared fantasies. A rough “I want you” murmured in my ear, lips so close it makes me shiver. The threat of his body from behind, warm and heady at my back. The threat of his body from the front, hands against the wall on either side of my head. A sexy imagination. An adventurous nature. These are the things that spark the arousal in my mind, and make me warm and creamy inside.

Stimulate the mind, and the body is sure to follow.

About the author

Vikki McKay


  • That’s what gets me the most about the participants I’ve seen so far. It’s a checklist, or it’s focusing on zones.
    It has nothing to do with the mind. It isn’t subjective, it doesn’t require paying attention to your partner’s responses, it’s all in your head (for your definition of yourself as a good lover) – not “out there” for both of you to create together.

  • Agreed. I told him husband last night that, while I think he has an absolutely deliciously sexy body, I couldn’t have maintained interest in him for this long if it weren’t for his mind.
    Physical = fun, but if that’s all there is, it’s not enough to keep me interested for the long-term.
    Remember that rhyme going around via email a while ago that said, “Oh, give me a man who’ll make love to my mind!”?
    It’s so true.

  • Isn’t all of life foreplay? How you treat a sex-partner/lover all the time influences how they’ll react to you. Its not just the rush to explode, or the time-delay fuse to explode ;-), but how you respect/cherish/express everything else all the other times too…

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    Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution. by

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