Life has been crazy lately. It has been tense, it has been busy, and it has required me to be Alert And In Control far too often. My S.O.’s life has also been tense and busy. Our visits with each other have been far less frequent than either of us would like at this point, and often we’re both so tired and stressed that all we’re up to doing is cuddle, a movie, and fairly vanilla sex before crashing into sleep.

All of this just serves to remind me what a difference regular BDSM play can make to my state of mind. I’m less anxious, more comfortable in my work which requires a fair amount of responsibility, and generally I afterglow, as Jane Black describes in a recent GoodVibes article, for much longer than a cuddle and vanilla sex provide.

Though he hasn’t said so outright, I know my partner feels the same way. We are, when deprived of the time and energy to scene properly, even more tense and exhausted. Seems like a downward spiral at times, though each of our situations should improve within the next few weeks.

I miss my collar. I miss the feel of leather and metal against my wrists, my ankles. I miss being tied so tightly that I cannot move even if I really, really struggled. I miss the kiss of the flogger, the sting of a spanking, the warm throbbing sensation between my thighs as my body and my mind process all these sensations. I even miss the wicked wooden paddle that hangs on the back of my bedroom door, though I’ll deny it should anyone – ahem – ask. 🙂

I also miss the release that comes from being rebellious, a little bratty and fractious, and being overwhelmed and brought back into line by my lover. It is a release of stress and built-up angst, just as powerful as orgasm or the endorphin rush that comes from a good spanking or paddling. Just as critical to my psyche, as well. Without that release, the brattiness just builds and builds until I could go whole-temper-tantrum on my life. Being taken in hand, put back into line, restores a balance in my own life and in our relationship together that I know we both need, very much.

I cannot wait until we have the time for me to spend at least a chunk of a weekend in collar, tucked safe and secure in my lover’s control.

But for now, I will just savor my cravings. Hunger just makes the meal taste sweeter.

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Vikki McKay


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