men who love men

After an incredible span of working way too many hours, I’m finally nearing a point where I can resume the bits and pieces of my social life. This weekend was a good start; Bast and I decided to satisfy our curiousity and rent some gay male porn.
To say we enjoyed it would be putting it mildly. The damn thing got both of us worked up so much we actually discussed sleeping in separate rooms just so we could give our toys a workout.
There are some fundamental differences between straight porn and gay porn, at least based on our meagre experience. And the differences are what make it so arousing – not just that it’s men touching men, it’s the clear distinction between the two types that got us revved up as well.
1. It’s just more real – Men have a pretty hard time faking arousal and orgasm. The physical evidence, so to speak, is right out there for the world to see. Being women, Bast and I know how very easy it is for women to “fake” it – in a porno or otherwise – and believe me when I say the vast majority of porn we’ve seen with women is far from the realities of arousal and orgasm. Not so in the films we rented. These men were hard, horny, and went for it.
2. Technique – I’ll admit here that I was worried about oral technique. Would these guys “blow” me out of the water – so to speak – when it comes to giving head? I mean, after all, men must know far better than I how to make a cock scream with pleasure. But nothing much was new here. Which relieved me even as it disappointed me (I was hoping to pick up a few more oral tips). I did notice that when men jerk themselves off, they don’t use their whole hand – just two or three fingers on the underside, and the thumb on the topside of their cock. And I didn’t see one of them – not one – touch the head while they were coming. Good to know. (Thanks for the tip, boys!)
3. They’ll show things here you just don’t see elsewhere – Very rarely in straight porn do you see either the man or the woman touching themselves, jerking off, while their partner is doing other things to their body. But it was everywhere here. Men giving blowjobs would also stroke themselves. When they were fucking, the “fuckee” (so to speak) would be jerking himself like crazy. And since I just love watching men masturbate, this is a Good Thing. They also weren’t afraid to show the actors without an erection. In almost every scene, when the anal sex began, the “fuckee” (sorry – can you think of a better term? – grin) would without fail lose his erection for a period of a few minutes. It was OK – they kept going, the erection would reappear, and they’d both come (and come and come and come – I’ve never SEEN men come so much or for so long!) with a gusto. Now when was the last time you saw a man in a straight porn lose his erection – or at least, when would they have allowed that on camera?
4. Now we know where the beautiful men are – Let’s face it, while the prerequisite for a woman to get into a porn is a gorgeous body, perfect face, and way overdone hair, the men in straight porn are not exactly the most beautiful. I’ve seen men as old as fifty balling gorgeous blond nymphettes. Paunch and all. But every single man in these movies – I mean every single one – was drop-dead gorgeous. At least now we know where all the beautiful men go when they get into porn – they’re fucking other men. Could it be that the women are gorgeous and the men decidedly average in straight porn because beautiful men would be threatening to straight guys? Perhaps it’s easier to indulge their fantasies if they (who themselves are likely average) see average guys getting these incredible-looking women?
5. Absence of the money shot – Okay, yes, you still got to see every man shooting his load – but not once – and I do mean NOT ONCE – did these men spray their cum all over their partners’ faces. No cum up the nose. No cum dripping off a masculine chin. They came on stomachs, thighs, chests (about half the time on their own bodies, the other half on their partners) but no faces. Could it be that only women are good enough – and yes I’m being quite facetious here – to have cum dribbled onto their cheeks, up their nose, and off their chins? I found myself enjoying the cum shots more and more – being aroused by them, in fact – in these films. I didn’t think about it till later, but I’m willing to wager it was the fact that not one man got a face-job, so to speak.
So it’s decided. We’re hooked. 🙂

playing dress-up

Have you ever been to a fetish night or a BDSM club? Here in Toronto, as far as I know, there are no outright BDSM clubs the way there are in Seattle (The Wet Spot), which I hear so much about from reading Jane and Peter’s diaries.
We do have fetish nights though on occasion, sponsored by different clubs or shops. Northbound runs the biggest one, from what I can tell. They “rent” a huge three-floor dance club for the night. There’s dancing, an entire floor devoted to play, etc. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.
Would I play in public? That I’m not sure about. But it would be fascinating to see others play. I’m still so very new to this whole scene that I find I’m irresistibly drawn to the idea.
Being openly submissive in public also intrigues me. In front of one person is one thing, but in public is another. I’m a pretty independent little cuss in real life, and it would be a huge twist to switch that around publicly. (It’s also quite a mind-bender to switch around in private, but I do find it a tremendous turn-on). There’s also the theatric side to the whole thing. Dressing in leather and/or PVC. Yum. How could that be bad?
But in the end, I think the thing that intrigues the most is the idea of walking into a place that understands the weird little nooks and crannies of my mind. Meeting people with like interests. Learning and experiencing and having fun at the same time.
And admitting in public that I’m a very naughty girl with very naughty thoughts sometimes… <grin>

to wit, the muse

I’ve received several letters lately wondering where the Muse has gone. Those of you who’ve been reading my diary for a while might remember that the Muse used to make cameo appearances here in the diary (and in the stories) from time to time.
Frankly, I was a little amazed that anyone paid enough attention to notice his absence, other than me!
The Muse is gone. Yep, I know, I’ve said that before. But he’s really gone this time.In time, I’ll be able to put away the things that remind me of him. There are little bits of him scattered throughout my apartment. His tie. The rose he gave me. Even his damned screwdriver set (which I really should return but don’t have the heart).
Giving up on someone is never an easy thing. Harder for me than for most, I’ll wager, because despite my dry humour and sarcastic nature, I’m a definite Polyanna at heart. Believing the best in every person. Optimistic to a fault. Seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses. Insert your own tired, trite phrase here. But eventually every man and woman must face the truth no matter how hard it hurts. Which is what I did. Which is why he’s gone.
Did I love him? You bet. And in Harlequin novels and chick flicks, that’s enough. But the real world runs on slightly different rules.
The truth is, I wanted more than he had to give. And that kind of uneven dynamic doesn’t work well over sustained periods of time.
I’ve always wished that things were different – that he would have made different choices. That he would have wanted to make different choices. But the fact remains that he made his choice. And in turn, so did I.
So now you know.

submission, episode two

He’s still fully dressed as he pulls my nude body down to join his on the bed. My mind is still singing with the relief of having pleased him as he guides me onto my back and moves over me. His tongue plunders my mouth, short, hard kisses that make me want to grab him and just hold on for dear life. I can’t get enough.

He’s still fully dressed as he pulls my nude body down to join his on the bed. My mind is still singing with the relief of having pleased him as he guides me onto my back and moves over me.
His tongue plunders my mouth, short, hard kisses that make me want to grab him and just hold on for dear life. I can’t get enough. My hungry mouth searches out his again and again, wanting more of the taste of him. Wanting more of the feel of him.
Ever in control, he pulls back and lays on his side. His hands, wonderful, approving, run over my skin. Not just breasts and genitals, his touch runs over every inch of my body. I nearly purr in response, arching and rubbing against his hand like a cat.

Continue reading “submission, episode two”

now i’ve seen it all

I mentioned a while back that about 3% of men (according to an article on The Position‘s web site) can suck their own cock, but I’d never seen it, except in one photo that I swear was manipulated digitally to make it appear so.
Browsing through some of the offerings at Jane’s Guide this morning, I ran across a site called Self-Suck Universe. Features the self-suck stylings of one man who honestly seems to be able to accomplish this… erm… exercise in flexibility, shall we say? Interesting stuff. He’s even got home-made video clips of himself “in the act”.
The site even features a bulletin board where men can discuss the how-to’s of learning to suck your own cock.
Guess this is one arena where having an “outie” rather than an “innie” has distinct advantages, wouldn’t you say, girls? 🙂


For days now, I’ve been thinking about the concept of denial. Sometimes we deny ourselves things, deliberately or by chance. Sometimes other people deny us things, deliberately or by chance. And sometimes it’s chance itself that denies us.
It’s been a big denial week for me.1. I’ve been (deliberately) denying myself my bullets, masturbating only with my fingers and only if the pressure is so much that I have to cum or I’ll be a miserable bitch all day. In case you’re curious, I’m doing this so I don’t become addicted to the damn things and unable to come any other way. You go ahead and scoff. Then try out the Space Explorer Vibe for a week and see if you don’t change your mind. 🙂
2. Chance itself has denied me the free time to do much writing for the site, whether it be in my diary or on my new Submission series. A shame because I really enjoy the relaxation that writing for the site affords me.
3. I lost a good friend this week. I’m denied the chance of having this friend be a part of my life. Doesn’t matter that I chose this.A virtual cornucopia of denial.But denial (since I’m a both-sides-of-the-coin kinda gal) can also have its good points. I mentioned this once before while browsing through my copy of Consensual Sadomasochism. It’s an appealing idea, but one that really didn’t get a huge amount of lip service in the book, so off I went with my trust browser and search engines to try and learn more about it.
Here’s what I’ve learned. There are some men who enjoy doing this to their women. If there’s a lot of them, they’re not a locquacious bunch – I only found one decent web site on the topic – Teasing and Denial of the Female Orgasm. Some information, a few stories there – I frankly wish there were more stories. Hundreds more. I cannot get enough of this stuff. Very erotic stuff. I ran across a few more sites on the idea, mostly femdom (denying the man, in other words) though. Could it be that men truly don’t want to deprive their women of orgasm – temporarily – even if it means she shoots her eyeballs across the room when you do finally allow her to come?
On the other side of the fence sits a few discussion boards and mailing lists. Some of these guys – if their posts can be believed – leave their women orgasm-free for weeks at a time. Supposedly this is okeydokey and jimdandy with their ladies (read: slaves). But it just seems to me if you keep up denial for that long – longer than maybe one real long session or okay, maybe over the course of TWO sessions, max – that the desire would eventually wear out. To me, the most erotic idea in all of this is being kept aroused and near the edge for a while (maybe a few hours? I don’t honestly know how long I would enjoy it), told I couldn’t come until given permission, and teased soundly towards orgasm anyway. They mention this a bit in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, and basically say the point in this is the mindfuck.I totally agree. Could be why D&S is such an interest for me. The mindfuck is the biggest and most erotic game possible. After all, aren’t our brains our biggest and most versatile sexual organs?

submission, episode one

We have barely touched; never kissed. He stands before me like a mountain as I tremble with heat, excitement, fear, wanting. This is what I came here for. To be a little afraid. To learn what it is like when sex has an edge.

We have barely touched; never kissed. He stands before me like a mountain as I tremble with heat, excitement, fear, wanting.
This is what I came here for. To be a little afraid. To learn what it is like when sex has an edge. To give up control and learn my own reactions, savor them like a fine wine. And, of course, to please him. I so want to be beautiful and pleasing to his eyes.
My throat is tight and dry, and a little imp in the back of my mind wonders if that’s because all the wetness in my body has moved between my thighs. Normally that would cause me to smile, but not today. Anticipation and fear has frozen my face temporarily into the look of a deer in headlights. I’m sure of it.

Continue reading “submission, episode one”

digital bits

Ananova recently reported that a sex shop in Switzerland will be closed to male customers one day a week, to allow their female visitors the chance to shop for their sex toys in relative privacy without having to endure the glances and drool (read: sturm und drang) of men.
Not a bad idea, I’ve gotta say. There have been many times I’ve walked into Seduction on Yonge Street and wished there were only females in the place. Somehow, the men who work there are even creepier. There are usually four or five men scattered around the big main floor, obviously working (well, they don’t seem to be checking out the merchandise, at least) and they always seem to follow your with their eyes, no matter where you go. Always made me wonder – are they watching that closely to make sure I don’t steal anything, or are they wondering if I’ll get so turned on looking at the toys I’ll have to slip one from its case and insert it in me right then and there? Soooo, yeah, I think the all-female shopping day isn’t necessarily a Bad Thing.
Ran across (again, I’d found it a few months ago, failed to bookmark it) a tremendous site in the form of In Search of Sin. Two wild and crazy ladies (and oh, how I wish I lived in Vancouver to join them!) come up with a theme every month – Power Trips, Sensory Indulgence, Geek Night, Slut Night. They do their research – with Power Trips they rented Basic Instinct and learned how to be as powerful as Catherine Tremell – and then they hit the town to explore and experience their theme. It’s hard to explain. Go. Take a look. Suffice it to say these ladies have big Fun while putting together their stuff for the site, and I’m actively jealous! 🙂
Lastly, I’m finally coming to grips with the fact that I get turned on by gay male porn. At first I thought it was just a natural by-product to surfing porn on the web – if you’re a lady and you like looking at men, you’re going to have to wade through an awful lot of gay male porn. Not too much out there aimed at women. I gave it a lot of thought, and threw in a little research to be sure. I’m coming out of the closet – so to speak – to admit that yep, watching two men get it on (particularly when both are rugged and built) is a huge turn-on. Especially the blowjobs.No, I’m serious. Watching one man give another head (well, in pictures and teensy little video anyway – I’m gonna rent a real tape soon and let you know how it works out) is hugely exciting. If you read this regularly, you already know how much I love to give head. But another man knows far better than I how to treat a hard cock, since he has one himself. So watching is educational. It’s also incredibly erotic.I’m sharing all this because in my “research”, I came across a great gay male site, very well done. Gorgeous pictures, good stories, yumm. It’s called Nightcharm. The men are… yumm. And if you’re like me, in the closet (or even not in the closet) about liking gay porn, I think you’ll enjoy the site. No popups. No 2″ high red and green and purple text.
Come on, I couldn’t possibly be the only woman in the world who likes this stuff?

men in uniform

There has always been something sexy about a man in uniform. For my generation, that thigh-clenching response was firmly embedded in our sexual subconsicous from the moment Richard Gere strode up to Debra Winger dressed in full navy dress, swung her up in his arms and carried her away. The way his strong shoulders looked in those whites, the way they hugged his cute little butt… but I digress.
At any rate, men in uniform have been a staple of erotica. If I had a nickel for every time I’d read a story about a woman getting pulled over by a policeman and managing to avoid a ticket by seducing him, or letting him spank her (yum) or otherwise getting down and dirty with the little boy in blue, I’d be a rich woman.NY Times recently reported that, oops, guess what, sometimes fantasy and reality merge. You’ll need to register to view the page, but what the hell, it’s free. For those of you who don’t want to take the time, I’ll thumbnail sketch it for you. Seems some naughty officers in Nassau and Suffolk Counties (and don’t ask me what State that’s in, as a Canuck I may know US cities but I’m at a loss when it’s broken down by county) made women give them blowjobs in order to get out of being ticketed or arrested.
The women are, of course, now pressing charges.
But it got me to thinking. Honestly, if they didn’t want to give the blowjob, they could have just accepted the ticket or allowed themselves to be arrested. It was going to happen anyway, if they’d been stopped by a less – libidinous, shall we say – officer. Sure, sure, I know you’re all thinking this is abuse of authority and akin to rape, and I’m inclined to agree with you. But if presented with this situation myself, I’ve got to say that if I wasn’t the least bit interested in taking the good officer’s baton in my mouth (which I might be – you never know) I’d just hang my head and offer up my wrists and allow myself to be arrested.
Of course, that could just be my desire to be shackled and restrained coming through there…. 🙂

new things

Finally, after a loooong dry spell, I’ve added two new stories to the site. The first, Naughty Note, was just a little bit of fluff, partly written nearly a year ago when exchanging some naughty emails with a nice gentleman who also writes erotica. No, that’s not his email… it was completely made up. But the rest of the story is pretty similar to my response to him. You’ll notice the story’s age because I mention my favourite toy is a blue jelly vibe – obviously, this story was written in the days before I discovered my bullets. <grin>
The second story, Submission is episode one of a new series I’m going to work on, exploring my feelings toward D&S, and submission in particular. You won’t find much here from the dom’s point of view – given that I find it difficult to imagine how they think – so it will largely be focused on the sub’s point of view.
Next, my little site was reviewed by Jane’s Guide just yesterday. Hello to all Jane’s Guide visitors! The review was very nice, and reads: “This site is your chance to listen in while a woman explores and reexamines her sexuality. The author keeps a diary, writes short stories and essays about her changing views of her sex life. Very well done and refreshing.” I feel a little bit like Sally Fields. “They like me! They really, really like me!”
Enjoy the stories…