why must women be the bearer?

Lately, I’ve been reading some things that make it hard for me to maintain a grip on my feelings towards men. I realize, fully and completely, how stupid and pointless and unfair it is to tar an entire gender with the same brush.

And yet. The theme this week seems to be: woman as bearer.

First, a book I just finished this week called Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women. Little surprise, then, that gender and religion and outrages can get very tied together, particularly when the book is written by a Western feminist journalist, who tries & sometimes manages (but sometimes fails) to present a balanced view.
What amazed me most was not so much the restrictions on the lives and freedoms of women (these, I mostly knew about, at least academically) but the reasoning behind them. In case after case, these restrictions – from the intellectually offensive requirement that women speak at a whisper and at a minimum when around males, to the physically and emotionally repugnant genital mutilations – existed because women could too easily arouse men. If a woman smiles at a man, he will believe she loves him; if she speaks to him, he may become too aroused to do his work.

Fast-cut-forward to a NYT piece I read this week that described the “disturbing, frightening, traumatic” experiences of men who had seen their wives give birth, actually seen the little furry head popping out of the body, so to speak. They were upset by the view. They couldn’t think of their wives as sexual afterwards. Who wants to make love to that?

And in each and every instance, it seems like the unspoken text is this: women, you just have to deal with this. We men are just too sensitive to deal with your sexuality, your pain, your very presence. You will have to bear the burden of pushing this watermelon I helped create out all on your own, because my delicate fucking sensibilities are being negatively impacted by merely observing what you must physically endure. We’re sorry we’re so delicate, so quick to arousal and useless once we’re that way, so capable of watching men get blown to bits on screen or in person but incapable of looking at your hair or watching you give birth to our child, but it’s just the way it is, and you women, as you always have, will just have to take up the slack. So sorry. Apologies, and all that.

It, in a sardonic way, reminds me of the line Sharon Stone utters in Catwoman, probably the best line in the whole movie: “I’m a woman, detective. I’m used to doing all kinds of things I don’t want to do.”

I can’t help it. It just makes me want to take every single one of these men, the men in the book and the men in the article, and shake them, shake them in a way that would get a British nanny fired, until their useless soft little brains are mere putty against their thick skulls and they can no longer hurt, or even stress out, the women in their lives.

Oh, some days I just think the Amazons had the right of it…

it is within you

A blanket response to all the women who have e-mailed me lately looking for relationship advice:

I don’t know why it is that women will stay in hurtful, dead or downright abusive relationships for as long as they do. “But I love him!” they moan.

[I’m lying. Of course I know why. I used to be the exact same way. I abused myself over and over in bad relationships, and it took me a HELL of a long time to figure out that I love myself too damn much to allow it to ever happen again.]

Now, listen to me closely: If you stay with a man who is treating you like shit just because you love him then you deserve everything you get.

I’m not talking about the usual squabbles between a man and a woman. I mean when you’re describing your relationship to others for some kind of confirmation and even to your own, biased ears it sounds horrifying.

If you’re at this point, you already know he’s treating you like shit.
The question is: why are you still letting him?

You, none of you, need my help, my advice, my opinions. Everything you need is already inside you. Go. Spend some time inside. I promise. You’ll figure it out.

the importance of orgasms

[Wow. Did I really last post something here two months ago? I’m so sorry, folks, it has been a tough time and the days and weeks have been slipping away from me too quickly, sand through my fingers and no real way to grab on of late. But I do promise to try and do better, for the one or two of you who still visit this wee diary.]

For the record: I really, really hate the debate about whether the female orgasm has importance from an evolutionary standpoint or whether it’s a vestigal function left over from the period in a baby’s development when it has not yet chosen pink or blue.

Partially, I hate the debate because too many people can still drop the “from an evolutionary standpoint” portion of that sentence, and go forward believing that really, the female orgasm isn’t important. Or at least, not as important as a man’s. I realize that this is not the message science is trying to convey, but let’s not forget the selective memory and understanding of the average Joe watching this on the evening news.

I also hate the debate because I’m really not convinced it’s important. Kind of like the scientific energy put towards seedless watermelons. Does knowing the answer to this question really matter when we have cancer and AIDS and really nasty shit out there that we don’t have answers for yet?

And finally, I find the debate pointless because regardless of whether it’s evolutionally important or not, it’s just damned important. ๐Ÿ™‚ As in, I’d like as many as physically possible, please. If you don’t mind.

Boys can come. Girls can come. Not everyone comes during intercourse, not even boys, sometimes. And most everyone comes during times other than intercourse. Orgasms are not a necessity on a play-by-play basis, but by God, they are important, and, by the way, gimme gimme gimme. Then we’ll do you. OK?

*wink*

from ye old mailbag

Ross writes:

Hi I have been going out with my girlfriend now for 16 months now and i just want tips on how to give her better orgasm’s

Ross, honey, you’re asking the wrong lady. Why do people always look outside the relationship for suggestions like these?

Look, everybody (well, okay, almost everybody) masturbates. I’m going to play the odds here and assume your girfriend does too. (That’s even if she won’t admit it to you, honey.)

And assuming that she does masturbate, the odds are incredibly good that she’s given herself more orgasms than any man (or woman) in her life, ever. Plus, she has the accumulated knowledge of every other partner she’s ever been with, and anything they did that made her toes tingle.

In other words, she’s pretty much an expert about how to make her orgasms better. The world’s foremost expert on her own body, as it were.

Ask her. Or better, get her to show you – either by touching herself while you watch, or by guiding your fingers/tongue/cock either by example or by explanation.

[Sigh] Maybe I’m just getting old and ornery with my advanced years. But it just seems to me that so much of sex advice – like, I don’t know, 60% or more – could be easily resolved (and probably more satisfyingly) if you communicate, communicate, communicate.

I’ve been with both incredibly experienced and incredibly inexperienced lovers, some with innate skills, some with no idea what a woman’s nether bits looked like much less worked. And I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how many books they read, how many partners they’d been with, how many sex advice columns they devoured.

What mattered was: did they listen to me? Did they encourage open communication? Did they actually use the information they were given?

Men aren’t born knowing how to send every woman into the throes of ecstasy. It takes time and communication to learn your partner’s body – because every woman is different. A stock answer is never your answer.

Talk to her. Touch her and ask her questions. Explore. Have fun.

And, you know, in case, I forgot to mention it, communicate! ๐Ÿ™‚

propositions

You know, I’ve been keeping a sex blog for – what – 4 years now? And it never ceases to amaze me the number of come-ons I get in my inbox every week. That’s not bragging, folks, just for the record; it truly is flabbergasted disbelief.

I’ve been approached (via email) by couples, single men, married men, transvestites, subbie boys, dominant men, even a couple of women. I’ve been offered coffee, dinner, spankings, fingerings, a few of you have even offered cunnilingus to help me get over my squicks. (Now, if some of you had offered a new condo or a set of wheels or, hell, even some Godiva chocolate… oh, relax, I’m only kidding! Mostly…)

And strangely, while I have no trouble fending off interested requests on online personals, I get oddly quiet and hesitant to respond when people approach me through this blog. I’ve made exceptions over the years, of course, but those are rare.

I guess the thing is that it would never occur to me to approach someone based on what I read in their blog, sex blog or no. Is it a guy thing? I don’t know. I’m sure they’re thinking: nothing ventured, nothing gained, and they’re quite right… it just feels strange to me.

If we could suspend disease, personal taste and my own inner morality for just one day, I’d call each and every one of you up, tell you to meet me at a hotel room in my city and we could fuck, suck and get all sweaty, all together in one big pile like randy puppies, until we were each too exhausted to lick our lips. Honest.

But until then, no matter how wonderfully written or sweetly intentioned, I’m just not likely to respond to your proposition, suggestion, or offer when I don’t even know you. I’m sure there are some – perhaps even many – who meet their someone of the moment or someone special via their blog. I’m just not ever going to be that person.

Right now, there’s one other reason I’m not going to be able to respond to your propositions. I know I said I wasn’t going to mention current beaus on here any more, because we all remember what happened the last time… Vikki ended up taking a several month hiatus from blogging rather than face the music online. I’m such a sexy little coward. ๐Ÿ˜‰

However, it probably does bear mentioning that I have been dating someone for several months, and yes, it does seem rather serious. No, I’m not going to talk about him here but yes, I am very happy, and well spanked. *laughs*

But thank you all the same for the well-intentioned propositions!

from ye olde mailbag

eb writes:

im currently with a man that is uncircumcised and i have never been with an un-done man before and i am afraid to go down on him orally ’cause im worried i wont know how to do it. Is it any different? Do you have any tips that would up it a level or two for him? I am crazy to please him, but i just want to do it right! Please help!

eb, I feel your pain, girl. Unfortunately, I haven’t been confronted with an uncircumcised penis since I was a teenager!

The things I can tell you: generally, I understand that uncircumcised men have a more sensitive head that their uncut brethren, which means keep those teeth well hidden behind your lips, and perhaps proceed a little more gently at first.

Really, as in most sexual situations with a new partner, your best bet is to ask what works best for him. Ask him to guide your head (gently!), to tell you what’s working and what’s not, to suggest things that might deepen his pleasure. Because even between two uncircumcised men, what works may be different for each of them.

Let me give you an example, from the “cut” end of the spectrum. Even cut, most men I’ve been with are incredibly sensitive right after orgasm, to the point that even a soft lick can feel like overload. However, one of my partners loved being licked and sucked after orgasm, and it didn’t bother him at all.

So as always, my best advice is this: ASK. Observe. And make many mental notes. ๐Ÿ™‚

However, perhaps my readers may have more useful and specific tips for you. Anyone?

the problem with a sex blog

It is a squeaky and absurdly early hour of the morning, and I found myself sitting here and thinking: what better thing to do than write a post?

The problem with a sex-only blog, you see, is that when you hit a period in your life when you don’t have a lot to say about it or are too damned tired to think about it, the blog suffers. Personal and family obligations have kept me from being able to think much about what new sexy things you all might enjoy reading. I hope the rest of the sexblog community has been keeping up their end so that you’ve had something to read while I’ve been away!

Since I cannot for the life of me think of something titillating to share, I thought I’d haul out ye olde mailbag and see what I can share with you from this month’s email:

Sandy writes:

I like your site, but I have a feeling that the clit you talk so
lovingly about is in fact six inches long, more or less, with a couple of dangly bits beneath it. Am I right???

I’ll pass on the obvious conclusion that Sandy must be a boy and is therefore projecting on to me. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have to admit this email shocked me – I mean, really, people, after the last several Vagina posts, is there any doubt I’m a girl? But I found it amusing nonetheless.

Clueless In Perth writes:

If you choose to reply, (none expected), is it about the finding
(somebody), or is it about the search?

Interesting question, CIP. I guess, for me, it all depends on what stage I’m at. There are times when I’m not looking for anything serious at all, in which case the search is far more fun – kind of like wandering up and down the aisles of a smorgasbord, trying to choose the morsel that would be tastiest. Other times I’m hoping for a little snuggle and companionship with my sexual depravity, and those times it’s more about the finding.

Ellen writes:

did u ever hear of a person who when they climax gets a pain from the pelvic area right to their hip. it last about 3 seconds and its not a pain like a cramp, its more like when the dentist hits a nerve ending and it travels. this has been happening to me and i was curious what it could be, as i said it last the most 3 seconds.

Well, Ellen, I haven’t heard of that particular one, no. But I can tell you that a few years ago, I had several months there when right at the point of climax a nerve in my head would tighten to a point of excruciating pain. At times I thought I was having a stroke, and I’d have a headache for several hours afterwards. I did check with my doctor at one point who wasn’t able to help me, and told me to just avoid sexual activity for a few weeks. I did so, and slowly the pains faded away, a little less with each orgasm. I don’t know if your problem is the same (please check with your doctor!) but if it is, hopefully it’s a short-term annoyance.

Well, I think that’s enough from the mailbag to suffice for now. This week, (and I promise this) I will write the story of my one and only time kissing/fondling another woman. ๐Ÿ˜‰

the vaginal orgasm

The inimitable Jonathan Quince (who I really do believe should just officially change his name to that) provided some lovely comments to my 100 sexy things post, not the least of which was this question:

78. Forgive me for sounding ignorant of the workings of female anatomy; but if I might inquire, what’s wrong with the concept of vaginal orgasm? As far as I can tell, the nerve endings on the inside do work…

My response would be far too long for that tiny little comments box, so I’ve opened a whole new post for the subject. ๐Ÿ™‚

First, a definition: the term “vaginal orgasm”, as I refer to it in my last post, refers to the concept introduced by Freud in the early 20th century.

From The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt:

Freud contended that the clitoral orgasm was adolescent, and that upon puberty, when women began having intercourse with men, women should transfer the center of orgasm to the vagina. The vagina, it was assumed, was able to produce a parallel, but more mature, orgasm than the clitoris.

Heh. Hence my problem with it. Kind of like magically transferring my toothache to my foot, so I can chew.

Also from The Myth, which really does explain the conundrum far better than I:

Frigidity has generally been defined by men as the failure of women to have vaginal orgasms. Actually the vagina is not a highly sensitive area and is not constructed to achieve orgasm. It is the clitoris which is the center of sexual sensitivity and which is the female equivalent of the penis.

[W]hile the stimulation may be psychological, the orgasm manifests itself physically. Thus, while the cause is psychological, the effect is still physical, and the orgasm necessarily takes place in the sexual organ equipped for sexual climax, the clitoris. The orgasm experience may also differ in degree of intensity – some more localized, and some more diffuse and sensitive. But they are all clitoral orgasms.

My problem, then, is not that I believe it’s impossible for women to have an orgasm without some kind of stimulation of the clitoris – just like some men can come while being spanked or dressing up in naughty clothes or having their ass reamed, some women can come without having any direct or indirect stimulation of their clitoris. Though I do think it’s more rare. Women who are orgasmic through intercourse may be lucky enough to have a narrower gap between the clitoris and the vagina, which means it receives greater indirect or diffuse pressure on every thrust. I have known one or two women like this.

The problem is the perception that another body part is doing the orgasming rather than the sexual organ whose function it is to orgasm. If a man comes in his pants thinking about something, is it a “brain” orgasm? Of course not. The proof is down there for him to see – his cock was hard, then it released semen, and now it’s softer. His orgasm was in his penis, regardless of the method used to bring him to orgasm.

And so it is with women. Sadly, Freud’s teachings were widely adopted by doctors, psychiatrists, and pop culture in general.

Keep in mind the most important part of this concept, the one that still resides in many minds (men’s, and women’s) today: a woman is not a real woman, frigid, something wrong with her, if she cannot manage to have this “vaginal” orgasm. Even today, it can bring worries of a sense of failure to women. I had a girlfriend ask me about it just the other week, so don’t think it’s amusing archaic thinking. It still persists today.

Those interested would probably enjoy reading The Myth in its entirety at the link above. While there are parts of it I don’t agree with as much – you have to remember that this was considered “radical feminist writing” when it was penned thirty years ago, and goes into discussion that I don’t think holds true of many of my readers (that men are threatened by female sexuality, or refuse to acknowledge women’s equality) – there are some illuminating concepts here for people who haven’t been exposed to women’s studies before.

And for the record, just so everyone who reads this knows the deal – women do not, in the majority, reach orgasm via intercourse. Statistically. From The-Clitoris.com:

New Study: Glamour Magazine, October 2000
Based on 1,500 women’s responses to an online poll at Glamour.com

In response to the question, “Do you need extra stimulation to orgasm?” the women responded:

I need “a hand” 38%
I can do it just from intercourse 28%
I need oral sex 21%
Other 10%
I need a vibrator 3%

Which backs up Shere Hite’s findings thirty years earlier, who found 26% of women could orgasm via intercourse.

There. Did that help to explain my position a little better? ๐Ÿ™‚

psa: the clitoris

I don’t know if this is the same for every woman, so bear with me. A random sampling of my girlfriends made up this argument in the form of Public Service Announcement; your results may vary with other women.

We’ve all heard the bit of truism that says lovers tend to touch each other’s genitals (at least at first glance) in the way that they themselves would like to be touched. I’ve tested this bit of wisdom against many of my (and my girlfriends’) past relationships and found it to be generally accurate. First time you hop in the sack, girls tend to want to touch the penis beside them very gently. In other words, for most men, Not Hard Enough. And most men, by contrast, touch the clitoris very firmly. In other words, for the women I’ve spoken to about this, Too Damn Hard.

And so, Vikki’s absolutely unscientific tips for touching the clitoris.

1. Firmness

Let’s assume a scale of 1 to 10 here. Think of it as a stereo volume dial. At 1, you’re touching her so very lightly you can barely feel her against your fingertips. Like how you’d stroke a newborn baby’s eyelids. At 10, you’re touching her just as hard as you’d ever imagined touching a woman there.

With that scale in mind, we’ve found via our random sampling that a great many men start at about 8.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

For the most part, 8 is going to be far too hard for any time but about six to fifty seconds before climax, or during more strenuous activity like full-out fucking. First of all, if you start at 8, what on earth are you going to build up to? And with women’s bodies, it’s most definitely all about “building up to”. And secondly, if you start at this level, it may not just be uncomfortable but actively painful. The kind of painful that makes us lose all desire to be touched down there for a while. Guys, it’s akin to when your cock bends the wrong way during sex. Ow.

Yes. That bad, at least for some women.

We have this lovely scale in out minds, yes? Let’s use it. Start with 1. Spend some time there. Enjoy the scenery.

Then progress to 2. Et cetera.

A big hint for guys: with a regular tempo, and following the other guidelines below, a lot of women (myself included) can come to orgasm with only a #2 touch. What’s more, sometimes those orgasms are more powerful and body-rocking than ones accomplished with a firmer touch.

So remember: newborn baby’s eyelids. Would you press your finger down there? Of course not. And so it goes with the clitoris.

2. Location, location, location

Knowing where to touch can be just as important as knowing how to touch. And before you jump salty on me and say “of course I know where to touch!”, keep reading.

The clitoris, as I’ve said before, has more nerve fibers than any other part of the body – male or female. 8,000 nerve fibers all screamingly close to the surface. Thankfully, this incredibly sensitive little bugger is covered by a clitoral hood. That’s the little “hood” of flesh that is over the “button” of the clitoris.

The clitoris extends up underneath the clitoral hood by at least a finger-length in most women, kind of like a tiny penis.

Hey. Did you notice I said finger-length here? That’s a hint!

Generally, a lot of women find the clitoris itself (the “button”) far, far too sensitive to be touched most of the time, even at the height of arousal. Stimulation on that spot can vary from very intense to uncomfortable to downright painful.

If we think of the clitoris and hood as your nose, for just a moment… touching the very bridge of the nose can be highly pleasurable. Ditto with the sides of the nose, the little creases on either side. But you want to avoid touching the tip of the nose. You don’t even want to get near it unless your lady asks for it. Think a good finger-width higher up, and you’re getting into safer territory.

And don’t forget, newborn baby eyelids. Would you want a woman to grind your balls up into your pubic bone?

3. Moisture

Moisture is the next most important thing. Don’t even think of going near the clitoris without wet fingers. The closest thing I could liken it to is this: would you want your woman to shove a finger or two up your ass without lube? No? Same thing applies here. The clitoris is just far too sensitive to be touched dry, most of the time. It hurts, fellas.

Luckily, Mother Nature provided a repository of lube nearby for you, all handy and everything, no external lube required, most of the time. Yes. Just move those fingers a little lower first, dip ever so lightly into the very entrance of her pussy, and you’ll likely get all the lube you need. There are exceptions of course – if she’s not turned on enough yet, there won’t be much, and some women just don’t manufacture that much lube on their own. Ask your lady when in doubt. She may just happily pass you a bottle of her favourite lube, or ask for a little more playtime first.

Regular and careful re-applications of this moisture are also important. If you’re down there playing for a while, her clit and your fingers may get dry again. Make sure you keep everything smooth and slippery. You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much lubrication.

4. Tempo

Luckily, boys, we’re a lot like you in this department, so this stuff is easier to figure out. We need a regular tempo to get off. It doesn’t have to be blindingly, finger-painfully fast. It just needs to be steady. Again, even very light (#2) pressure with wet fingers and a slow, steady tempo is enough to take a lot of women over the edge.

Steady is the key. Mixing it up, when you’re learning her body, is one thing. But when she’s getting close to orgasm (and again, if you’re not sure – ASK!), you need to keep a steady rhythm. It does not have to be as fast as you pump yourself when you’re jerking off. Or even close to that. A slow steady tempo is much more effective than irregular bursts of a faster tempo.

And men, if she says “oh, god, don’t stop” – do exactly what you’re doing. Please don’t stop, or change direction, or change tempo, or firmness.

So there you have it, one completely unscientific look at how to touch a woman. Yes, there are some women who want or need more things, or different ones, than the techniques described above. But this is a very safe primer that should work for most women at first. If they need more, they’ll tell you.

Or as always, feel free to ask them!

that’s it, the search is over

I have finally found the man of my dreams. Game over.

The new man in my life, pagan god that he is, wrote me the first email in our new, lifelong correspondence just last night:

Hey vikki..

You sound like the perfect babe to me. I am availabel anytime you are.
Let’s hook up.

Now, really, how could I consider giving myself to any other man, with an offer like that on the table?

Sigh.

I wish I could say I don’t get something like this every week. But I do.