I haven’t felt very sexy lately. Working two jobs is becoming a burden, and with almost a year to go (if all goes well) before I can quit job #1 and do job #2 full time, it’s beginning to stretch me to my limits. My personal communiques with friends and acquaintances has dropped an alarming amount.
What I wouldn’t give for a hand on my head, smoothing my hair, telling me that I’ve been holding up incredibly well, accomplished so much (which I have) and that the worst will be over soon. Somehow it doesn’t mean as much when you say it to yourself.
I am also discovering a small subbie streak in me I didn’t really know I had. Oh, sure, sexually, yeah, but only recently have I begun to realize how much having a strong, dominant partner is something my emotions need as well.
Two recent posts I’ve read online have really resonated with me lately, on this topic. First, from the Dirty Whore:
As I was writing, with tears pouring down my face, I thought of my Master. What I need is the type of love he shows me. Maybe it’s a father figure issue, but I bloom when I am loved by someone who accepts me as I am, praises me, encourages me to improve, and punishes me when I am bad. Someone who kisses my forehead and tells me I’m a good girl every now and then. Someone who is proud of my achievements. I am motivated to be my best for that person, to reach higher and dream larger.
And from the Collar Purple:
Then she dropped the bombshell: I, as the Dom, can set up the situation where I win either way. If she had removed her bra, despite embarrassment, I win. If she did not, and got swatted for her disobedience, I win that way as well.
Yeah, this sounds obvious, but it’s an important point. Subs want their Doms to be masterful. They want him to be in charge. But for this to happen, for that trust to be granted, they have to believe that he is better able to take care of them than they can take care of themselves. So he has to be bigger, stronger, smarter, wiser, etc.
So by arranging things so that I always win, no matter what happens, Invidia gets that warm feeling of knowing that I’m in charge and on top of things. Of course, there’s the fringe benefit that I get what I want as well! The basic point is that, on some level, every sub wants her Dom to win every conflict with her. That way she knows that he’s someone in whom she can place her trust. That way, we both win.
Who the hell wants a nineties guy when they could have this?