Bear with me, oh faithful reader, as I expose myself (ahem) on a level which doesn’t often happen around here – I’m all for talking about my likes, but a little squirmier talking about the sexual things that I just don’t have a handle on yet. So to speak. Kind comments welcome, bashing will just make me cry, so be gentle, please. 🙂
Well, truth be told, the ambivalence doesn’t just stem from the lack of friction. It also stems from a kind of “what is this the 50s? aren’t you an evolved sexual being?” thing that you really would never suspect from someone who has been writing and thinking and fantasizing about and at times even having sex over the past four years:
Yes, yes, I know it’s not icky and I know I’m perfectly normal down there and I have heard and read about many men over the years who really, really love to do it, and even dated one or two who said the same thing. Although I understand all this intellectually, my visceral and emotional understanding is far different.
Part of it is the fact that you couldn’t pay me enough to do it. So it’s tough for me to imagine anyone enjoying it. Tough enough that it took me many tries to be able to write about it even partially convincingly in my erotic stories.
I have tried to get over myself about it, really, I have. But I tense up and it feels weird and I just cannot seem to relax about it. Which, really, would be all fine – I mean, not everyone has to like every act – but the idea turns me on like crazy. Reading about it is hugely erotic for me. It’s just when a man starts to head south that everything tenses up and I find myself wishing I were somewhere else.
Which, of course, also leads to it taking for-freaking-ever for me to come, if at all. I have managed over my lifetime to have a few orgasms this way, but they were always shallow and not very satisfying, and yes, I know it’s because I’m all tense about it. Shh.
I also face the awkwardness of trying to explain this to new partners. Over the years, the easiest explanation has been best – when their lips head south of my nipples, I just touch their hair, get their attention, tell them I’m not really into that, and slide my mouth down to their cock instead.
Of course, it doesn’t help that a few of the men I’ve told about this were all like, “Well, baby, you just haven’t had oral sex from me – I’ll make you cum so hard you pass out.” Ooo-kay. No pressure. If anything, this just makes me more nervous about it. I remember one spectacular failure several years ago in particular – I felt absolutely nothing. If someone had told me that I was paralyzed from the waist down, I don’t know that I would have doubted them.
I wish it were not the case. I’d love to be able to enjoy that act as much as I enjoy others.
I’ve discussed this with a couple of male friends over the years, and the general consensus is that perhaps I just need to be forced into it – and not for the purpose of orgasm, but just for the purpose of experiencing it. Not force like rape, mind you. Force as in tied up and spread open and tormented for a while.
The idea of being allowed to experience it without the pressure of imminent or eventual orgasm is an intriguing one. It would certainly take a lot of the pressure off. Ditto to the being tied up.
But my biggest problem is how to ask for this. How on earth do you approach a partner about it – especially when every man says he’s into it and not every man is telling the truth about that? I have no desire to gross a partner out by asking that he *force* me to like receiving something he may not even like to do? Really, the idea is so embarassing it makes me want to hide under the covers just thinking about it.
Oh, yes, gentle reader, I realize this indicates a far greater amount of paranoia than you generally see from me. See, I’m a girl too sometimes, full of the wiggins that come along with it. I just keep it hidden most of the time.
So, there you have it. I don’t expect you guys to solve my little issue, but I thought you’d get a chuckle out of knowing – and plus, it felt damn good to get it out in the open once and for all.